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by jackalopestride



Category: Far Cry 5
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Eventual Smut, Explicit Language, F/M, I am taking liberties, I mean we all know what spoilers but still, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Spoilers, thanks to that left-handed john tumblr post i'm using it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-30
Updated: 2019-06-08
Packaged: 2019-08-09 20:30:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 12
Words: 26,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16456691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jackalopestride/pseuds/jackalopestride
Summary: In the wake of Faith Seed's death, a still-recovering Junior Deputy finds herself in the hands of John at the request of the Father himself.  Shaken from her vision of the Collapse,  Valerie Holm must come to terms with the fact that Joseph may be right, and maybe she is in fact in Hope County for a reason.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! I haven't had the courage to post any fanfiction on the internet in a very very long time, so I am very excited to post this one! I have grown very attached to Valerie, and hope you guys enjoy reading about her experience.
> 
> There will be referenced child abuse, alcoholism, and sexual assault in this fic, both from John and from Valerie. I will post warnings at the beginnings of chapters for those who may be sensitive to that material.

From the first time Valerie Holm heard John Seed's voice, she knew he was going to be slippery. He spoke like a lawyer, she thought, and then was unsurprised to find out he had been one in a former life. The more she learned, the less she cared for the poster boy of Eden's Gate. Born in Georgia, adopted after his family broke apart, abused by adoptive family, became a high-end lawyer in Atlanta before he had been recruited by his brother to become the face of Eden's Gate--and their attorney. What she learned from the people she saved, however, was different. He would kidnap people and "cleanse" them of their sins, a process that involved tattooing said sins on their flesh and then _literally_ cutting them away. If that didn't tip her off, the crudely written "SINNER" on many abandoned houses in Holland Valley did.

His first message to her had been the video that Dutch had told her to watch. His face was so...passive, she had decided. It was open, and his tiny smile and his words seemed genuine. He wasn't unattractive, either, obviously well-groomed and accustomed to public speaking. The man sounded like a pastor, but his words took on a dangerous meaning when Hudson entered the frame.

His hand on Hudson's neck had nearly made her destroy the television she was watching from. It was only several deep breaths later that she realized that through the screen, he was speaking directly to her. She didn't want to admit that his gaze--those piercing blue eyes--was staring directly into her own.

The first time he addressed her as "Deputy," she laughed aloud in the truck she was driving. Was a direct address going to bother her? Of course not, that was her title. She had just destroyed several of his bright fucking red grain silos, and she had nothing to worry about.

That was before her car was T-boned and she was thrown from the driver's seat.

Ringing in her ears temporarily deafened her, and Val found herself in the dirt on the side of the road. Wincing as she opened her eyes, she saw the vehicle that hit hers was stark white, marked with the Eden's Gate "flower." Adrenaline flooded her system and she scrambled under tree cover, drawing her pistol from its holster against her leg. The ringing subsided, and she could hear some yelling between at least two Peggies in the other car.

 _Deep breaths,_ she reminded herself. _If they can't find you, they can't have you._ She turned towards the road, pistol aimed towards the wreckage, and backed towards the hill behind her. She needed higher ground, time to gather herself before John's forces came out in droves to find her.

Luckily, the Peggies investigating the crash didn't notice as the deputy slipped away. She found an abandoned Peggie truck on a road nearby and quickly crossed the region line above the waters of the Henbane River. She detoured, spending the night in an abandoned house that had housed a prepper stash before she discovered it. There, she took that time to recover from the crash.

The deputy kept her radio on at all times, listening to the various calls for help around the region. She was pleased to hear her companions from the jail responding to many, and simply kind souls responding to others. She heard Hurk Drubman Jr. a few times, and Earl Whitehorse many others. She was proud of the Cougars, even in the wake of Virgil's death. They hadn't exactly seen eye to eye, but she did admire him and his optimism considering the circumstances.

Valerie also took the time to mourn Marshal Burke. She had taken his badge from his body at the jail, setting it on a table in the cabin and lit some candles around it, silently thanking him for having her back when they entered the nightmare that was Hope County together. She wished she could have done more to save him, and in his memory, she swore to help Hudson and Pratt.

After she recovered, she ventured out from the small house, heading southeast. The sun was low in the sky as she began approaching Moonflower Trailer Park.

She'd found solace and laughter in the form of one Sharky Boshaw, pyromaniac extraordinaire, after they'd bonded while killing many of Faith's "angels." As she approached the trailer park he called home, she fired three warning shots from her pistol to let him know it was her. She took a moment to breathe, looking at the surrounding area with fondness.

A whoop from behind her alerted her to Sharky's presence, and she turned to receive a crushing hug and a spin in a circle before she playfully hit him on the shoulder to release her.

"And there's my favorite redheaded deputy!" Sharky's grin was huge, obviously ecstatic that she had returned. His hands rested on her shoulders, white bandages around one of his arms cleaner than she thought they'd be. "Anything good happen without me?"

The deputy laughed. "Nothing good, but something else for sure. What did you do to your arm?"

"Burning myself has always been a specialty of mine, so I had to learn how to take care of myself. Come on in, tell me about your adventures!" Sharky waved her inside over her shoulder, and she followed him in. He had an open beer on the table by the time she sat down, and she took off her ballcap, setting it and her pistol down.

"Alright, Deputy Holm," Sharky said in his "serious" voice, "tell me about this something else that happened without me around."

"Well, Mr. Boshaw," the deputy replied in kind, "this something else involved one John Seed, who I know more about than I'd care to admit."

Sharky took a deep drink from his beer, slamming the can onto the table before saying, "That slimy sonuvabitch has scared all the folks in Fall's End so they barely leave town anymore. He talks about "saying yes" and ends up kidnapping people to baptise in the river. Not sure what happens to them after that. Last I heard, the people in Fall's End were lookin' for help to clear out the Peggies 'round there. You wanna go help?"

The redhead sighed, slumping down on the table. "I do, but I kinda pissed him off and he's got guys after me right now. I camped out for a couple days by the lake, and I figured here is far enough away to throw them off for a bit."

Sharky patted her on the head. "Yeah, I get it, man. Sounds like one of the times I had to hide because Hurk found me listenin' to disco music. Y'know how people around here are kinda mean and judgy? Had to hightail it outta there before I got a talkin-to."

The deputy laughed from the table, lifting her head and smiling at Sharky. "Thanks, Shark, you always seem to make me feel better."

"Anytime, man."

The pair stayed up until the sun went down, laughing at Sharky's dumb stories and shooting empty beer cans until the deputy let herself into another trailer and fell asleep on the couch.

She dreamed of Hudson, her makeup revealing the tears trailing down her face. John was behind her, a tattooed hand around her neck, squeezing just enough to make Hudson cry out. She tried to reach out to help Hudson, but her hands were tied to the arms of the chair she was in. Her heart was pounding in her ears so loud that she barely heard someone call her name.

"Val? Valerie?"

The pounding on the trailer door scared her awake, and it took her a moment to realize it was Sharky calling her name. "Val, you in there?"

Blinking away the sleep in her eyes, she yelled back, "Yeah, just a sec!" Sunlight streamed in the window, and she swore she couldn't have been asleep that long... Val got up, stretching briefly before moving to the door. She quickly ran a hand over her face before pulling it open.

Sharky stood at the door, looking nervous as hell, avoiding looking at her. She realized that he might have been doing so to protect her decency, had she not been in the same clothes she had worn the day before.

"What do you need, Sharky?" Val didn't mean for her voice to sound as sharp as it did, and she winced after the words left her mouth.

Sharky fidgeted, almost hesitating before he said, "Well, I was thinkin' that maybe we could go check on Fall's End, since you said you wanted to help and-"

Val held a hand up to pause him. "Yeah, we can do that. Lemme get myself situated before we go, yeah?"

Sharky tried to contain his excited fist pump. "Alright, I'll be in the truck when you're ready." He quickly turned and walked away, grabbing his flamethrower where it rested next to his trailer.

Val sighed with a smile. She turned back into the small trailer, strapping on her pistol holster and grabbing her sniper rifle before leaving. As she turned, she looked up at the endless Montana sky, wishing that she had come to Hope County for a better reason. With a sigh, she looked back to the truck and began the walk over.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Halloween! From this point forward, I'm probably going to do weekly updates, but this one is relieving a personal anxiety because I know I dislike starting to read fics with only one chapter.

_Sharky is going to get himself killed,_ Val thought to herself. As she did so, she heard a loud cheer from her friend as he tried (and failed) to shoot his flamethrower at a low-flying plane overhead. With a shake of her head, she climbed onto the roof of one of the buildings, finding a machine gun on a stand. As the plane turned around for another strafing run, Val caught it in her sights and let the shells fly, the sound of the gun ringing in her ears.

She heard the radio on her belt crackle with Peggie voices, yelling that they were under fire. The deputy let a smile grace her lips before continuing her counterattack, satisfied when she saw a wing blow out and the plane spiral into one of the fields behind Fall's End, crashing with an explosion. When she heard Sharky cheer in the middle of town, she knew they were clear and climbed down from the building.

A blonde woman came out from one of the other buildings with a shotgun at the ready, then she lowered it when she saw dead Peggies in the road. She then hoisted the gun up onto her shoulder, relaxing as Val and Sharky approached her. "You must be the deputy I've been hearing so much about," she called. "Come on inside." She then turned and walked into the building.

Val shrugged and followed, Sharky close behind. He snickered as he read the sign of the establishment, the Spread Eagle. When he pointed it out to Val, she just shook her head and rolled her eyes, holding the door open behind her for him.

The blonde woman was behind the bar directly in front of the door, and two other people occupied the space. One Val recognized as a priest of some kind, reading from what she presumed was a Bible at a table to her left, and the other wore a red torn up flannel, beer in hand at the bar. _Odd,_ she found herself thinking, _a priest in a bulletproof vest._

As she approached the bar, the blonde woman set two shotglasses on the counter, filling them with a clear liquor. "Help yourselves," she said, "since y'all just gave us a little bit of hope."

Sharky immediately downed his, then looked at Val inquisitively. She nodded to tell him yes, he could have hers. Both women watched him carefully, then the blonde took both shot glasses and set them in a sink behind the counter. "Mary May Fairgrave," she says to both. "Glad someone around here has the sense to kick those Peggie bastards out."

"Deputy Valerie Holm, but please call me Val," Val says, extending her hand to shake Mary May's. "Not glad to be here in this situation, but glad I can help. This is Sharky Boshaw."

Mary May sized up Sharky with a glance. "I know your reputation, so keep your damn flamethrower out of my bar."

Sharky flinched away, nodding respectfully.

Mary May looked back at Val. "I heard you pissed off John Seed here a couple days back. Surprised you decided to help us out while he still has men out looking for you."

Val replied, "Sharky wanted to help y'all as soon as we were able, so today it is. You know of anyone else around here who needs some help? If John already knows we're here, then there really isn't any point in trying to lay low."

Mary May nodded at the man in the flannel down the bar a few stools. "Nick, you hear that? The deputy here might be able to help you out."

Nick looked up from his beer, confused that someone was addressing him. "What, really?"

Val nodded at him genuinely, smiling when his face lit up. "Happy to help, Nick, right?"

Nick nodded, moving to the stool next to Val. "Nick Rye. Peggies took my plane a couple weeks back, and I'm fuckin' pissed. My wife and I want to leave the county so she can deliver our son in a place that isn't a goddamn war zone."

Val's eyes widened. A pregnant woman in this environment? She'd be terrified. "Where do you think they took it? I'm sure the Peggies have somewhere they'd keep a plane."

"Probably John Seed's ranch, if I had to wager," Mary May interjected. "It's the only place 'round here besides Nick's that has an airstrip. Sometimes you can see John himself flying around in his black plane--stands out from all the other Peggie white ones."

Val nodded thoughtfully. "Where is the ranch?"

"Southwest of here, past Nick's," a new voice interjected. Val turned to see the priest approaching them, Bible closed at his side. "Jerome Jeffries," he introduced himself. "And I have heard quite a bit about you. Quite the troublemaker, aren't you, Deputy?"

Val felt her ears redden in embarrassment. "It's nice to meet you, Father," she said respectfully. "Do you still practice your priesthood?"

Jerome's face darkened a bit, but he answered her anyways. "Not as much as I used to, as Joseph took my congregation back when Eden's Gate was first getting started."

Val was embarassed she had asked. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to bring up bad memories."

He smiled sadly. "Don't worry, it's alright. No need to call me Father, though; Joseph has ruined that title for me. Please just call me Jerome."

Val turned back to Mary May. "What kind of Peggies are at the ranch? I don't want to go in there blind."

"Probably just a bunch of lackeys," the bartender replied. "I'd keep your radio on, though, and you don't want to go there if John's around. I have the feeling that would be a bad situation."

Val turned to Nick. "Tell me about your plane, Nick. I need to know how to identify it if the Peggies have painted it white."

Nick groaned at the thought, then said, "Why don't you ride with me back to my place, you can meet Kim and you'll be closer to the ranch there. I'll tell you about Carmina on the way."

Val stood up, brushed off some of the dust from her legs, and replied, "Sounds like a plan." She turned to Jerome. "It was nice to meet you, and I hope I can offer you help if you need it."

Jerome smiled at her. "Of course, Deputy. I'm sure you'll have the chance."

With that, she and Sharky followed Nick out into the sunlight.

\--------

The two of them were scouting Seed Ranch from the hill across the airstrip when her radio crackled to life. "Hello, Deputy," a silken voice said.

Val rolled her eyes, taking one hand off the weapon to pull the radio off her belt. "The Herald himself," she replied. "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"You've gotten yourself comfortable here in Hope County, haven't you, Deputy?" He ignored her question, as lawyers often did. Sharky got her attention, winking suggestively at her.

"What do you want, John?" Her voice was hard; she didn't have the patience to deal with him directly.

"I want you to confess, Deputy," he answered simply. "I want you to spill your sins to me so you can be free and join us at Eden's Gate."

Val scoffed. "And why would I do that? You have been kidnapping and torturing innocent people."

"Sinners are not innocent, Deputy, but they can be cleansed. They can be forgiven." John's voice was patient, but she could hear an edge to it.

"Not like you'd forgive someone like me," she muttered, choosing not to acknowledge him beyond that.

"You do know that every single person in Eden's Gate has sinned, yes? Every person in this county, this country, our entire _world_ has sinned in some way, and Joseph is willing to forgive everyone for the sake of our future." His preaching voice was starting to come out, and Val had to admit that she was beginning to understand why so many had joined them willingly. Sharky rolled his eyes, moving his hand in a talking motion sarcastically.

"Does that include you, John? You did say that you knew my feelings _intimately,_ didn't you?" A smirk played upon her lips, and she could practically feel the irritation through the device in her hand. Sharky gave her a thumbs up. When John didn't respond immediately, she preyed on the moment, continuing, "I heard you were a lawyer before this, John, and I know from experience that lawyers aren't always the holier-than-thou, silver-tongued men that we see in movies. You have to have _something_ that you don't believe you can be forgiven for."

After a long, silent minute, his voice returned, cold and distant. "I have already been cleansed. And you, Deputy, will have your cleansing very, very soon." The radio clicked off, leaving her with a strange sense that something else was going on, and she was going to find out too late what it was.

Val let the radio slide out of her hand onto the ground next to her, replacing her hand on her gun and looking through the sights once more. 

Sharky nudged her with his elbow. "That guy? Total hard-on for you."

Val rolled her eyes. "No way. Not the time, anyways. Got a plane to steal back, and I want to keep it quiet until I'm out of there. Head back to the Rye's and wait for me there, alright?"

"Gotcha, boss," Sharky confirmed. Val heard him get up and leave, thanking whatever gods there were that he wasn't seen by the guards around the ranch.

She could see Nick's plane (still bright yellow, he'd be pleased) parked outside the hangar, another larger plane inside the open door. There were only a couple Peggies in the vicinity of the aircraft, but Val could see the three alarm beacons without her scope. _Guess I'm doing this up close and personal,_ she thought with a grimace. She collapsed her sniper, slinging it over her shoulder and grabbing her radio before making her way across the airstrip.

Knife pulled from her boot, the deputy silently dispatched and hid the bodies of two Peggies near Nick's plane without a problem. The third one was the biggest problem; he was in sight of at least two other Peggies, and within running distance of an alarm. Taking a look around, Val decided it wasn't worth the time, moving towards Nick's plane with as much stealth as she could muster. It wasn't enough. She forgot that there were three snipers on the upper levels of the ranch house, and the yelling behind her was enough for her to forget the plane and break into a sprint, cursing as she tried to cross the airstrip into cover.

On her hip, her radio screamed, "It's deputy hunting season! Don't kill 'em, use a bliss bullet!" She heard the shot of a gun behind her, and a cry ripped from her lips as the bullet tore through the flesh of her left shoulder. She heard footsteps approaching as her body failed her, familiar white lights flickering in her field of vision as she lost consciousness.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday/Tuesday since it's just after midnight and I don't know where y'all live lmao
> 
> This one is kind of short, but the next two or three are pretty long. Gotta set up the plot somewhere, right?

Val came to in a haze of white sparks, struggling to breathe.Why couldn't she breathe?There was a voice booming around her, yet his words were muffled before they could reach her ears.The face above her was gentle as he pulled her towards him, and she was gasping for air and clutching this man, this stranger, as the voice echoed in her head.Her thoughts were slow and muddy, but she started to piece together what was happening.She was in a river, that's why she couldn't breathe.She was slow because she was under the influence of Bliss again.

The stranger led her to the man posessing the voice, and she couldn't focus on anything but his eyes, blue within blue, familiar yet unfamiliar.She nearly lost herself in them before he snarled, hands hot against her shoulders and pushing her back under.She reflexively tried to inhale, instincts panicking when all she got was water.Her hands grabbed at him, trying to pull herself up, but he held her under until her grip slackened.His grasp on her lessened, and he swept one arm underneath her, hand pressed against the small of her back to bring her out of the river.She started coughing violently, sinuses and throat burning as her lungs emptied themselves of water.She saw his face contort with rage again, starting to push her back under the surface-

"Do you mock the Cleansing, John?"

The quiet, authoritative voice from the shore startled him.Fear and shame washed across his face, and then Val's memory snapped into place.She was in the hold of John Seed, and Joseph Seed, the Father, the man she made the mistake of cuffing, had just kept him from drowning her.Her mind started to panic, but she couldn't do anything but hang limply in John's arms as she heard Joseph lecture his brother."You have to love them, John.Do not let your sin prevent that."He then called, hand outstretched, "Bring that one to me."

John obliged, left hand on the back of her neck and his right around her wrist as he led her unsteady body to the Father.Joseph reached for her, resting his hands on either side of her face.As she had with John, all she could focus on were his eyes, greyish green behind his odd yellow lenses, light haloing his figure as if he really were holy.

"Despite what you have done," he murmured to her, "you are not beyond salvation.You're not here by accident or chance."

 _Aren't_ _I_ , _though?_ Val found herself thinking. _I_ _was_ _the_ _replacement_. _I_ _was_ _never_ _supposed_ _to_ _come_ _here_.

"You are here by the grace of God.You've been given a gift," Joseph continued."Now it remains to be seen whether you choose to embrace it, or cast it aside."His eyes fell from hers, and she could feel an emotion rolling off him.Was it sorrow?Her left hand instinctively reached up to grasp his arm, and his gaze returned to hers before his arms dropped.He moved then to his brother, who was still looking ashamed of his actions.

Joseph rested a hand on John's shoulder, the younger man's gaze looking past his brother.The Father said, "This one will reach the Atonement."He leaned forward, pressing his forehead to John's as he finished, "Or the Gates of Eden shall be shut to you, John."Both of their eyes fluttered shut, and Val felt a flash of embarassment, feeling as though she was intruding on a sacred, private moment.

Joseph leaned back, looking at his brother as John replied in a whisper, "Yes, Joseph."The corners of Joseph's eyes crinkled fondly as he stroked John's hair before leaving Val's vision.Her eyes looked back to John, questioning his next action.

His gaze followed Joseph as he left before John turned to her.A hardness crept into his face, and he quietly told her, "You will confess.Every sin you've ever committed.No matter how petty, no matter how small...I will pull from you.Then we'll see if you're worthy of Atonement."

Val could only gaze back at him, knowing she would not be able to retaliate as she was.He glanced at the follower next to her, then watched as Val was taken into the van nearby.She looked back at him, watching him despite the white flecks in her vision until the doors were shut and she succumbed once more to the Bliss.

\---------

It was the humming that woke her next.The white haze had mostly faded from her vision and mind, and she knew where she was: the van taking her from the river to...where?There were two other "cleansed" people in the van with her, and one armed guard.One of the other captives was humming quietly to herself, though Val didn't know the song.

"Where are we going?"The man next to her asked the guard.

"John's Gate.Our home when the Collapse begins."The guard was forthcoming with the information, possibly because he believed the captives were still drugged.

The woman across from Val stopped singing as the man asked, "If we- if we confess, we'll be okay, right?It'll be better?"

The guard looked at him carefully.The woman responded, "No, it won't."

"Why- why not?"

The guard leaned forward, hand on his rifle."Because confession without pain isn't confession.You'll scream out your sin, then you'll wear it on your flesh before John peels it off of you... It's a beautiful thing."

The man's panic began to rise, and he started to hyperventilate.The woman spat, "Fucking Peggies."The guard, without a moment's hesitation, jammed the butt of his rifle into her head, earning a cry from the man.

Explosions echoed outside the van, and the vehicle swerved, throwing its occupants around haphazardly.Val was slammed backwards into the wall, pain blooming in her skull where it had collided.The driver called back to the guard, "Make sure they're secured!We're under fire!"

The guard stood despite the erractically moving vehicle, ensuring their ziptied hands were still bound, and calling back to the driver.

Glass shattered in the front of the vehicle, and they swerved again, accelerating without direction.Val tucked her head under her hands, bracing for the inevitable impact.

The van collided with a solid object, throwing her against the barrier between the cab and rear of the vehicle.The man next to her slammed into her body, and the woman across from her screamed.The guard, still standing, was also thrown into the barrier, head unluckily colliding with the small window in another shower of glass.The vehicle kept moving, however; the rear axle went airborne, flipping the entire vehicle onto its roof and sliding for a short distance. 

Her ears were ringing and her heart was pounding as Val came to a few minutes later.She slowly pushed herself off the ground, wincing at the glass in her forearms, her hands still bound.The other two occupants of the vehicle were either dead or unconscious, and the guard that had been in the back with them was very obviously dead, head stuck in the small window dividing the rear from the cab, blood surrounding it.

Val crawled as best as she could to the door, rolling onto her back and rotating herself so her feet could kick at the door.Her first attempt was feeble, and she could barely feel the doors give way.Another deep breath, another kick.It was more solid that time.The third time proved to be lucky, and the door popped outwards.

The deputy rolled back over onto her arms and knees, turning to exit the van.Gunfire echoed off the cliffs around her, but there were no living souls in sight.She looked in both directions of the road, unable to tell which direction they had come from.Another deep breath.She knew she was too weak to stand, sitting in the dirt near the rear of the van.She closed her eyes and listened.

There were gunshots from a distance in front of her, but they were echoing--a sign that there was a sharp dropoff on the other side of the road.She couldn't hear any vehicle engines coming from either direction of the road, or any aircraft in the sky above them.

As her adrenaline high began to waver, she started feeling the shock and pain from the crash.Her head started throbbing intensely, and the white sparks returned to her vision when she opened her eyes.She slumped backwards, head hitting the ground harder than she would've wanted to; suddenly drained of all energy, her eyes rolled back in her head as she lost consciousness.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday!

Val's eyes fluttered open to a harsh, unnatural light.She moved a hand to shield her eyes from the light, but handcuffs kept it in place.This realization woke her swiftly enough to flood her veins with adrenaline, her heart climbing in her throat.The light came from a small exposed bulb hanging from the ceiling, and she was secured in a hospital bed, an IV running into her arm and bandages around both forearms.She could also feel bandages around her abdomen and her right thigh, concealed underneath a hospital robe.The room was mostly barren. A small table and stool stood against the right wall, and a thick concrete door in front of her.A metal table with a lamp was immediately to her left.

What had happened?The deputy racked her brain, trying to piece together how she'd gotten here.Bliss attack at the ranch, the river, John, Joseph, the car crash....here.She determined someone had found her after the car crash, but the most important question was who. If she was in the hands of some Resistance fighters who didn't know her face, she'd be fine.But if it were Peggies...

She didn't have to wait too long to find out.A couple hours after she had woken, the door creaked open without warning.A female Peggie-- _fuck_ \--walked in with a bowl and a cloth in her hands, setting it down on the small table.She smiled at her before turning and leaving.Val looked at her with confusion as the door swung shut. _What_ _the_ _hell?_ _Why_ _would_ _she_ _bring_ _me_ _something_ _I_ _can't_ _use_ , _seeing_ _as_ _I'm_ _bound_?

Her answer came in the form of a whistling, jubilant John Seed, entering the room minutes after the woman left.He had shed his long coat, leaving his blue silk shirt and grey vest, buttons undone so she could see a key on a cord around his neck and parts of the word "sloth" carved into his chest.Val hadn't noticed that at the river, she realized.She'd been too lost in his eyes.

Eyes that were now sizing up his prey, as John grabbed the stool from beneath the table in a single fluid motion and set it next to her bedside, then sat upon it, whistle dying on his lips.

"Hello, Deputy," he greeted her.His enunciation was crisp and so unlike the Georgian accent she speculated he'd once had.

She took a moment to steel her nerves before meeting his gaze.She debated saying something, choosing to ask, "How long was I...?"

John took a moment to think about it."You've been unconscious for about 36 hours, give or take a few."He gestured to the bandages wrapped around her arms."Your wounds were extensive when we found you.I am not surprised it took you this long to wake up."

 _A_ _day_ _and_ _a_ _half!_ The junior deputy did her best not to panic. _Sharky_ _must_ _be_ _going_ _crazy_ , _as_ _well_ _as_ _the_ _other_ _people_ _in_ _Fall's_ _End_.Valerie chose not to respond to John's information, instead taking a moment to look closely at her foe.

His eyes still enchanted her the most, and she determined it hadn't been the Bliss that created her fascination at the river.His beard was carefully maintained, and his hair was nearly glistening with product to keep it slicked out of his face.He couldn't have been that much older than her, she realized.Val knew he was the youngest of the three brothers, but she didn't consider that he was so close to her own age.

As she observed him, he leaned forward, resting his elbows on his knees and touching the tips of his fingers together.The smile on his face faded, and they studied each other for a few long moments.

Eventually she grew tired of it."What, the wanted posters weren't enough for you?"

A smirk grew on his face."All those photos have you with your hair pulled up under your hat," he said matter-of-factly."It's....different to see it down."

Valerie hadn't even noticed her hair was free, but she did when he leaned forward, hand outstretched.He took a lock of her hair between his fingers and admired the rich coppery color."You know," he said as he leaned back, "there are not many true redheads out here.Jacob is the only one I really know."

"That implies you aren't from here," she pointed out.

His eyebrows lifted in surprise; maybe he hadn't realized how much he could give away with so little."So it does," he said.That was all he gave her on the matter, standing and moving to the table with the basin of water.He dipped the cloth into it, wringing it out and returning to her side."I thought that you may want to wipe yourself down," he said, setting the cloth on her lap.From a pocket, he produced a key, freeing her right wrist from the handcuffs.

Valerie took the opportunity to flex the wrist and rub it with her other hand, surprised that he let even one of her hands free.She shifted to sit up a little more, taking the cloth and reaching forward to wipe her exposed legs.John watched for a moment before rising and heading to the door."I'll give you some privacy to clean yourself," he said, "and I will have some clothes brought to you.The ones you were in at the river weren't salvageable after the crash."

The deputy could only watch as he left, confused by his generosity.Wasn't he the enemy?Wasn't he supposed to be the one who tortured and abused people?Shaking her head, she merely continued wiping herself down with the cloth, pleasantly cool.The deputy took her time, savoring the removal of the layers of grime and dust that had accumulated during her time in Hope County; showers were scarce commodities, highly valued when they came around.

She guessed that thirty minutes or so had passed before the Peggie woman returned, a light blue button-down shirt, a white tank top, and a pair of black pants in her possession.She undid the deputy's other wrist cuff, allowing her to stretch and remove her hospital gown.

Valerie was grateful that whoever had bandaged her had left her sports bra and underwear on.The Peggie woman inspected her bandages, ensuring they were still secure, removed the IV, and helped Valerie dress in the clothes.The button-down shirt was a men's shirt and too big, but the black twill pants fit her well.Valerie took the time to roll the sleeves up to her elbows.The woman had Valerie return to the hospital bed, cuffing her wrists again before knocking on the door and being let out.

Val knew she wouldn't get herself anywhere by trying to escape just yet.The guards had probably all been notified that she was awake, and as one of John's most wanted, they'd try to subdue in close quarters over firing at range.

Another while passed, and John returned, two armed guards in tow.He released Valerie from the cuffs attached to the bed, allowing one of the guards to roll the bed out and replace it with a simple metal chair.Valerie reluctantly obeyed John's gesture to sit in the chair, and the other guard replaced the handcuffs with duct tape, wrapping it tightly around her wrists and the arms of the chair.

Satisfied with the work done, John smiled dangerously at her."That shirt looks good on you," he said."I knew the color would bring out the color of your hair."

It then occurred to her that the shirt might have been John's.

He came close to her, running a couple tattooed fingers down her face."Don't worry, sweetheart, I'll be back for you soon.I have a couple confessions to extract.I'll be sure to give your love to Deputy Hudson."

Before Val could even respond, he was gone, leaving her alone with endless questions and a sinking feeling in her stomach.

\----------

It was a long time before John returned.Valerie had been barely taken care of; meals were bread and water, and it was the only time she could go to the restroom, escorted by armed guards.She had no idea how long it had been, as there was no way of knowing what time it was.Her bandages had not been changed, and she worried that her wounds may not heal properly because they hadn't been cleaned.Sleeping had been difficult in the metal chair, so her neck was stiff, and she wanted nothing more than to pull her hair out of her face.

John burst into the room not too long after Val had been woken up for a meal, something which irritated her greatly.He set a worn blue toolbox on the table against the wall, a smile on his face."Good morning, Deputy," he said cheerfully.

Her response was a noncommittal grunt, low enough that it drew his attention.

"Someone isn't an early riser," he commented, moving to her and tucking her hair behind her ears."Used to working the late shift, hmm?"He set the stool before her and moved back to his toolbox, humming quietly.He hesitated before unpacking it, starting to speak as he did so.

"My parents were the first ones to teach me about the power of yes.One night, they took me into the kitchen and they threw me on the ground, and I experienced pain, after pain, after pain after pain."He punctuated each _pain_ with a hit to the table.He paused, looking at Val."And when I didn't think I could take any more, I did."

John picked up something from the toolbox and walked towards her, turning on the lamp.  "Something broke free inside me.  I wasn't scared, I was....clear."  He picked up a cord on the table, twisting it into place in the object in his hand.  "I looked up at them, and I started to laugh.  All I could say, was yes."

Val could see that the object in his hand was a tattoo gun, and a chill ran down her spine.She was no stranger to ink, but not consenting to it was an entirely different matter.He set it down after a quick test buzz, and bent down to check her restraints."I spent my entire life looking for more things to say _yes_ to.I opened up every hole in my body and when those were filled..." His eyes met hers."I created more."

Val wanted to scream, but his gaze froze her in place, in silence.Her rational side started thinking up escape plans.

"But it was Joseph who showed me just how selfish I was being," he said as he stood up, moving back to the small table."Always receiving, always taking.The best gift isn't the one you get, it's the one you give, and giving takes courage."His voice turned breathy for some reason; Val couldn't tell if it was an imitation of the Father, or if John felt that strongly about that sentiment.

John moved back to her, hands hovering around her collar briefly before moving to unbutton the top of her--his?--shirt."The courage to own your sin, to etch it on your flesh and carry its burden, when you have endured--when you have truly begun to atone--to cut it out like a cancer and display it for all to see."He stopped at three buttons, then pulled the shirt open to expose her collarbone and sternum.His eyes returned to hers, and she could see wonder in them as he breathed, "My God, that's courage."

"I'm going to teach you courage," he said, voice hardening as he pulled the stool closer to her."Not the kind of 'courage' that it takes to try to invade my home.I'm going to teach you my kind of courage, and you are going to be free."One of his hands settled around her throat despite her recoiling from his touch, and he rose, pulling her with him enough that two of the legs of her chair lifted off the floor and she struggled to breathe.

"But first, you are going to experience an ocean of pain for the things you have done.Lesson number one begins now."His voice was cold, punishing, and Val could only think of the way Daddy was back when he was drinking- _no,_ _Val,_ _don't_.John seemed to revel in the pain of her face, her small gasps for air.He opened his mouth to continue when a knock rang from the door behind him, and he threw her down, chair falling over."For _fuck's_ sake!" he yelled as he turned.

Val could only fall as the chair did, her right shoulder taking most of the impact.Nausea churned in her stomach, anxiety from his anger kicking in and coughs bursting from her lips.She watched as a Peggie pushed the door open, a radio in hand.John's anger became quieter, but she could still see it in the shape of his shoulders, his hands in fists at his sides.In an instant, John took the radio from the Peggie and slung it across the room behind him, and Val heard it shatter against the wall."Tell Jacob," he hissed, "that if he needs something he can come get it himself."He slammed the door shut, breathing heavily at the door.

"Damn," Val found herself saying, "didn't realize you hated Jacob that much.Wonder how much hatred you've got left for me."

John turned to her, planting one boot on the corner of the chair and shoving it backwards, sending her sliding into the wall.Her head cracked against the concrete with the impact, and she let out a whimper involuntarily, eyes watering.She didn't have a moment to recover before John's hand returned to her throat.He pulled her upright with one hand, the same hardness in his eyes that she had seen at the river.

"You've had your fun, Deputy."He spat her title out, and she could only cough more as he released her neck and left her chair upright."Are you going to confess your sins to me, or should I turn my attention to Deputy Hudson?"

Val's gaze turned to him despite her coughing, anger suffusing her face, trying to make her glare melt the door behind him.

John's eyes glinted dangerously."Oh, did I hit a nerve?Maybe I should go check on her..."He began turning and walking away from her.

"No!" Val yelled as he neared the door.

He turned, slowly."There it is," he purred. "That's what I suspected your sin was. _Wrath_ , pure and fiery, just like your hair, coursing through your veins."He stepped towards her, a smile on his face."Now that we know it, it's time to expose it for the world to see."

Val began struggling against her restraints as soon as she realized he was reaching for the tattoo gun.

John shushed her, pressing a knee into her lap to keep her legs still."Now, the more you struggle, the more ink there will be," he told her calmly, "which means there will be that much more to carve away later.Show me you're strong, Deputy, and sit still."

Val took the opportunity to glare at him directly, but she obeyed.He had a point about the removal of said tattoo later.The buzz began, and she closed her eyes.The familiar scratch of the needle began below her right collarbone.

John worked slowly, but his pressure was even the entire time he ran the gun over her skin.After what she guessed was about twenty minutes, he set the gun down to admire his handiwork."I have to say, Deputy, you're one of the calmest I've ever done.If Hudson was this cooperative, she would be in significantly less distress whenever I visited her."John moved to the toolbox, putting the tattoo gun and ink away.

Valerie gritted her teeth through the ache of the tattoo."Leave her alone," she spat at him.

John chuckled."And give up getting a confession from one of my two most important guests?That won't happen."

The deputy took a deep breath.She didn't want it to come to this, but she felt she had no other choice if she wanted to protect Hudson."If you leave her alone, I'll confess."

He froze.His eyebrows were sky high as he turned to her."You're in no position to bargain, Deputy."

"You're right, I'm not," she admitted. "But you're a smart man, John Seed.I'm sure you can tell that this proposition is heavily weighted in your favor."

John moved towards her, kneeling in front of her and meeting her eyes."You'll confess all your sins?"

Valerie nodded. "At the river, you said every sin I've ever committed.I will deliver that in full, as long as Hudson is left alone.All you have to do," she said with a smirk, "is say _yes_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Fun fact: "For fuck's sake" is one of my favorite John lines.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Introducing: John's POV! From this point forward, there will be some flipping back and forth between him and Val.
> 
> Happy Monday!

John had left her then with a promise that he would be back soon.He'd pulled her chair away from the wall, raking his eyes over the bruises forming just below her jaw before pulling the door shut behind him.He'd let his anger, his own wrath, get the best of him again, just like he had at the cleansing, and he knew Joseph would be disappointed.

He stalked through the halls of his bunker, hailed every few moments by someone else who needed something.He ignored them, needing fresh air before anything could be taken care of.John climbed the stairs two at a time, pushing open the heavy door to the bunker to step out into the sunlight.

The light dazzled him, as it normally did, streaming unhindered from a beautiful blue sky.He pulled his sunglasses over his eyes while they adjusted.While he wasn't from Montana, he wasn't displeased by Joseph's choice of location for his Project.Montana was beautiful, even he could admit that, but he much preferred city life for the raw energy--the _sin_ , Joseph would say--that pulsed through it.

His thoughts turned to his most recent capture, one Deputy Holm.He hadn't yet learned her first name, since she was filling in for one of the deputies from Hope County.She wasn't from the Midwest and he could find no previous connection to Hope County.Why was she selected for this job?Which deputy she replaced, he wasn't sure; maybe it was one of the officers that had left the sheriff's office for the Project.

John didn't understand her.She had fought so hard, with such ferocity, to free the Henbane River region, destroying shrines, freeing outposts, and even _killing_ _Faith_ to do so.Why, then, had she proposed that obviously skewed deal as soon as he had mentioned Hudson?It didn't make much sense.He knew that she was still hurt by the fact Marshal Burke had betrayed them and committed suicide under Faith's influence. _Maybe_ _that's_ _a_ _weakness_ _I_ _could_ _exploit_ , he fathomed. _Maybe_ _she's_ _only_ _doing_ _this_ _to_ _protect_ _the_ _other_ _cops_.

A dark truck came driving up the road towards him, followed by two white Project trucks with mounted machine guns.From the distance, he couldn't tell which of his brothers it was.Even deciding which it was was a challenge; he had insulted Jacob, albeit indirectly, over the radio earlier, but Joseph had indicated he would want to speak to the deputy after John told him about finding her.

She had been out cold on the side of the road, the only survivor of an overturned van which had crashed into a recently fallen boulder on the way to the bunker.Curiously enough, the driver had been shot by the resistance lining the road, but none of the passengers had been injured or rescued by resistance members.The deputy had freed herself from the back of the van and passed out, not noticing the large lacerations on her thigh and back. She had been close to bleeding out when they got to her.Luckily, John's medical team was prepared enough to provide a tranfusion.Joseph would not have been pleased if she had died in the Project's care.

The truck pulled into the fenced area around the bunker, window tint far beyond what was legal.The Project trucks stopped as well, and all passengers exited their respective vehicles.Joseph stepped out of the dark truck, yellow aviators hiding the true color of his eyes as he approached his brother.With arms outstretched, Joseph brought his hands to John's face, touching their foreheads together for a moment.

"I heard that she woke up," Joseph began in his quiet tenor, "and I decided that now is the best time to speak with her."

John nodded."I will take you to her.I was planning on returning to continue with her anyways, I just needed some fresh air."

Joseph smiled at his brother. "I am glad that she seems to be cooperating," he said as they entered the bunker."I did not take her to be one who bent so easily."

"I threatened Deputy Hudson, and she offered to confess if Hudson was left alone," John explained."She fought Faith with such dedication that I think she may only be fighting to save her fellow officers."

Joseph hummed in consideration."I wonder how they will feel when they learn that she has submitted on account of them."

The brothers both acknowledged the guard outside her door, then John took a deep breath and pushed the door open once more.

\-----

Valerie was dizzy when the door opened again; was it from anxiety, or was it from being slammed against the wall?John wasn't alone as he entered, followed by the Father.Both pairs of blue eyes were on her, but she was having trouble deciding which gaze she should meet.She settled on closing her eyes as her head swayed slightly, her body betraying her dizziness.Her stomach still felt unsettled, but it was better than it had been before.

One of the brothers murmured to the other in a low voice, and she heard one leave the room, the heavy door closing behind him.She opened her eyes, finding herself alone in the room with Joseph, and she realized she had no idea what to expect from him.Would he be cruel, would he be kind?She had been too drugged up to process their conversation at the river, as one-sided as it was.

Slowly, Joseph moved in front of her."Hello, Deputy."His voice was soft and impossibly caring.After all she had done to his Project and followers, how could he sound like that?

"Joseph," she managed to reply.It took much of her will to bring her gaze to him, dizziness threatening to overwhelm her.

Joseph knelt in front of her, a hand gently coming to rest on her right cheek.She almost flinched away instinctively, but steeled her nerve and stayed still.Kind touches were scarce in Hope County, but Joseph didn't need to know she was averse to touch."I have heard that you told John you will confess," he said quietly."Confession is the first step to atonement, and you shall reach it.This I have sworn."

Val watched his entirely-too-calm face through cautious eyes.His gaze was unwavering in hers, filled with optimism.Said optimism faded, sorrow breaking through as he continued."I know you have been hurt.Faith used your ally, your _friend_ , to try and quell your resistance.For this I am sorry."

Valerie was skeptical that he was genuine, but he pressed his forehead to hers, his eyes fluttering closed as he continued.She realized this was a way of showing those he spoke with honesty, leaving himself vulnerable.

"I know you have no reason to believe me.If Faith had been pure, she would have come with us to Eden, but you showed me she was not.Thank you."Valerie resisted the urge to ask him about Faith's true story; she vividly remembered Faith--no, _Rachel_ telling her that she had been drugged and coerced into serving the Project.Joseph pulled away, withdrawing his hand from her skin.He then pulled the stool before her, sitting on it and holding his hands so that the tips of his fingers touched.

"I respect that you care deeply for Deputy Hudson," he told her. "I can understand why you would be willing to share your sin in order to protect her from harm."

"She was my first friend when I came here," Valerie said. "It isn't her fault we're here--it isn't anyone's fault but mine.I shouldn't have put those handcuffs on you.Whitehorse was right when he told Burke we should leave well enough alone."

"I have a question, Deputy," Joseph said with hesitation.

Valerie met his eyes."If I have an answer, I will give it to you," she replied.

"What do you think of the Project?Of our goals?"

She was shocked by his question.Before she could stop herself, she asked, "Why?"

"Why do I want to know?I want to know what an outsider thinks of us.I understand that you were a replacement for another deputy, summoned from elsewhere to assist with my arrest.As such, your perspective, I believe, will be different than those of your fellow deputies."

Valerie was loath to admit his reasons for wanting to know made sense.She deliberated her word choice carefully."In the eyes of the law," she began, "the Project seems like a radical, religious doomsday group.It has been reposessing personal property, kidnapping citizens, and using drugs to create hysteria."She paused, watching his reaction; if he was surprised, he made no indication of it.

"Having personally been affected by Bliss, I think it is a very potent hallucinogen, not a stimulant to create hysteria.As relaxed as my body was while I was under its effects, my mind was questioning everything I saw and heard under its influence.Even at the river, the amount of Bliss in the water made me question reality."

Joseph nodded."I understand that Faith used a significant amount on some of her followers, turning them into-"

"Angels," Val finished for him."They weren't people anymore, they were addicts who couldn't think for themselves.I felt awful that Faith turned them into that, and felt worse when the only way I could survive was by killing them."She looked away from him then, murmuring, "I've done enough killing."

Joseph didn't seem to notice her comment.She looked back at him and continued."I seriously believe that the only reason I am not an Angel myself is because Whitehorse administered a shot of adrenaline directly into my heart my second time under.Even with that, even after shutting down the water pumps with Bliss, I still saw Faith dancing in places she wasn't, I still thought raccoons were bears, and I still saw jackalopes running around.I don't think it's all out of my system yet, and it has been at least a week."She closed her eyes, and the fields of flowers were immediately in her imagination.

"What of our goals?" The Father asked, drawing her gaze back to him.

"Wanting to survive the apocalypse? 'The Collapse', as you call it?"Joseph nodded, so she continued."I think everyone wants to survive the apocalypse.You are taking a more...proactive approach to it than most, I'll admit.My problem is with taking or killing people who do not want to come, or stealing their food and supplies, or cutting them off from the rest of the world.Take the Rye family, for example.Nick wants to get his wife and unborn child somewhere that is safer for the baby because they no longer feel safe in their own home, but John prevented that by...confiscating his plane.My understanding is that your Project wants to protect people, but all I can see right now is the people being harmed."

Joseph did not respond, but he rose, turned and walked to the toolbox, and pulled out a knife.Valerie flinched as he approached, but he ignored it in favor of sliding the knife under the duct tape and cutting it open.Valerie immediately began rubbing her hands over the marks on her wrists.

Joseph set the knife down on the table next to her, offering a hand to her to help her up.She took it, standing on shaky legs.Her right leg gave way with a sudden rush of pain, and she fell forward into Joseph.She instinctively grabbed his shirt for stability, and his arms wrapped around her back to catch her.

The door pushed open, and John reentered the room.Valerie could only imagine the look on his face, discovering his prized prisoner and the Father in what probably looked like an embrace.Regardless, he simply cleared his throat.

Joseph helped Valerie stand steady, then turned to face his brother.Valerie looked at John, finding a controlled expression on his face.Joseph led Valerie to John, and they both looked to him, curious of what to expect.

"I have decided," the Father said to John, "that you will teach our friend the Deputy our ways.She needs to know that we are not the...harmful, uncaring folk that she was led to believe we are before she came to this county."He then looked to Valerie."Deputy, I leave you in the care of my brother, to follow and listen to him before anything else.You will be treated as a guest, nothing less.I will return in two weeks' time to see your progress."

Joseph took a moment to press his forehead's to Valerie's again."Be patient with him," he murmured in a voice too low for John to hear."You will be the one to bring him to Eden."

Valerie didn't understand.What could he possibly mean?She vaguely remembered him saying something about the gates of Eden when they had met at the river.Was he referencing that?

By the time her attention returned to the room, Joseph had pulled away from her and finished speaking with John.She heard his response, identical to the night at the river: "Yes, Joseph."Joseph pressed his forehead to John's, and then he turned from the room and left through the open door as calmly as he had come.

John took a deep breath, then turned to Valerie."It would seem that you and I are going to be much closer than I anticipated," he said with a smile."Deputy, I have some preparations to make, but then it's time to go home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> John notices details.

John had no idea what Joseph had been thinking.The deputy was now, basically, his pet.She was to follow him around like a puppy, observing his area of the Project and learning about what they were actually doing.Of course, he knew, she had her judgments already, thinking she knew what they were doing.He made it a personal goal to prove to her that they were in fact saving people.

Before they left the bunker, John spent two hours on the radio with the people stationed at the ranch, trying to make arrangements for the deputy to have her own space for sleeping.While she was in his care, he didn't want to risk her injuring or killing him in his sleep.Who knew how deep her resentment of the Project ran?He was briefly reminded of her sin: _wrath_ , seeping through her careful demeanor when he had threatened Hudson.

John pinched the bridge of his nose in irritation, mentally cursing Joseph for throwing this beautiful wrench in his plans.He stood up from his makeshift desk, shoving the chair backwards with his legs.He slammed a hand down on the surface of the table, relishing in the sting that bloomed over his palm and fingers.A deep breath left his lungs, and he turned, pulling his jacket off the hook near the door.

He moved with purpose, every footfall precise and placed.He would prove to Joseph that he could do this, however strange the situation may be.

"Do not let your sins overshadow your task," Joseph had said to him."She is here for a reason."John knew that Joseph hadn't totally forgiven his sins yet.Through flowery speech and pretty white lies, John had been absolved in the eyes of the Project; truly, however, he knew Joseph still judged him for his addictions while he was a lawyer.

John shook his head outside the deputy's cell to clear his thoughts, reaching into his pocket for a pair of handcuffs.He hadn't bothered cuffing her after Joseph left, instead having all instruments she could use to harm herself removed from the room.The guard stepped aside, pushing the door open for him.

The deputy was pacing with an uneven gait, humming to herself.He noticed her hands picking at the edges of the bandages around her forearms; a tick from anxiety?John cleared his throat, and she turned to him, snapping out of her thoughts and returning to her normal demeanor.She approached him, wrists outstretched in front of her for the cuffs dangling limply from his left hand.

John pulled his attention away from her gaze to focus on cuffing her.He could see many tiny scars on her hands, slightly paler than the rest of her skin.Once satisfied with the cuffs, he moved next to her, hand settling on her shoulder.

"Come, my dear," he said, and when she _flinched_ , he couldn't finish his thought.

"Don't call me that," she managed in a shaky voice.He could see she had closed her eyes, a look of anguish on her face.

John, smirking, said, "What, did an old flame of yours call me that?Should I be jealous, Deputy?"

"John."Her tone of voice snapped him out of his brief imagination of the deputy with a faceless man calling her "my dear."She was looking directly at him, and he could see both anger and hurt in her eyes as she said, "Don't call me that.Please."

John had the feeling she wouldn't ask nicely if there wasn't a good reason.He said solemnly, "Of course.I'll stick to 'deputy,' then."

She looked back to the door, a small sigh escaping her lips.John almost thought he heard her say 'thank you' as they left the cell.

\---

She was silent in the truck on the way to the ranch, and it irritated John enough that the radio wasn't helping his mood.She was looking at her lap, and he briefly wondered if he tightened the handcuffs enough to secure her thin wrists.He reached for the volume knob and turned the music off, watching the deputy from the corner of his eye to see her reaction.

She didn't react in any visible way, and that only irritated him further.He decided to fill the newfound silence with words.

"Where are you from, Deputy?"

"Why do you want to know?"Her answer came after a moment of thought.

He also took a moment to consider his response."The brief research I did on all the members of your arresting party revealed very little about you, save that you were a transfer from out of state.I was wondering what brought you to Montana."

The deputy seemed to analyze his words before answering."I'll tell you if you tell me where you're from."

John glanced at her, surprised at the boldness of her response.He chuckled."I suppose that's only fair," he replied."My brothers and I are from Georgia.Rome, specifically."

She hummed in consideration."North Carolina," she said after a moment.

"A beautiful state," he said."My...parents went on vacation there once.The pictures were gorgeous."

"You didn't go with them?" Her question came quickly, and John realized his mistake.

"I was still young, and they wanted some time away from me, I suppose."He could feel her looking at him, so he kept his eyes on the road.

"Your parents sound like awful people," she said finally."And you've only told me two things about them."

John gripped the steering wheel a little tighter, knuckles whitening, the ink on his fingers standing out even more than usual."They were."

With that, the two fell back into silence.It was only a few more minutes until they reached the ranch, and John was almost ashamed to admit he was excited to show the deputy around.This place was _his_ , not Joseph's like the bunker, and he was curious to see how she would fit into his life and work for the Project.

The truck pulled to a stop near the hangar, and John winced at the sight of the ugly yellow Rye plane still sitting in front of the Affirmation.The deputy had returned to staring at her lap, face unreadable.A guard approached the vehicle, but he nodded respectfully at John upon recognizing him and walking away.

John cleared his throat."Welcome home, Deputy."

She blinked a couple times before looking around.Her eyes fell on the yellow plane, and John saw guilt flash across her face.He could only imagine what she was thinking.He unbuckled himself and stepped out of the vehicle, moving around to the passenger side and opening her door.He offered her his hand to help her get out, seeing as she was quite small and the truck was taller than a standard police cruiser.

The deputy hesitantly placed her hands in his, and he supported her weight as she carefully stepped down from the truck, favoring her injured leg.Once she was on the ground, he released her to close the vehicle door and then placed a hand on her shoulder, noticing her flinch again at his touch.John realized this was almost backwards of the time he had first seen her: she was the one with her hand on a shoulder, but the person in cuffs was Joseph, not John.

John recalled that both he and Jacob were itching to go after them, but Faith had reminded them that this was part of the Father's design, and that everything would occur as he had told them.John left them then, quickly getting to the Affirmation and partaking in the reaping following the helicopter crash.Frankly, he was surprised anyone survived that crash, including his brother.If Joseph knew that he thought that, though, that would be another strike against him--one more reason to doubt John's dedication to the Project.

John led the deputy into the ranch, showing her first the open area with the fireplace.She took the time to admire the shelves of books, fingers trailing down a few spines, a look of fondness on her face.She paused in front of the taxidermied wolf in the room, investigating it carefully."Do you hunt?" she asked, voice raised enough to reach him where he stood on the other side of the fireplace.

"No," he admitted after a moment."Hunting is one of Jacob's pastimes, and he thinks it's funny to send me his trophies from time to time."He stood before one of the display cases, mindlessly observing the Project paraphernalia behind the glass.

"None of you look happy," her voice said to his right, causing him to stiffen in alarm.

He looked towards her, finding her focused on a picture of him, his brothers, and Faith.He and Jacob stood behind Joseph, and Faith sat on the ground next to him.Her words rang true; none of them were smiling, and only Jacob was looking at the camera.

"Joseph looks strange without his glasses," she said."I don't think I've ever seen him without them on..."

John took a deep breath without realizing it, and replied, "I don't know if he's taken those off since we came to Hope County.If he has, I haven't seen it."When the deputy looked up at him, he changed the subject."Shall we see the rest of your new home?"He didn't wait for an answer before replacing his hand on her shoulder, gently guiding her towards the double doors to their right.She pushed them open to reveal the open floor plan of the more lived-in part of the house.

The dining room was separated from the kitchen with a breakfast bar, stairs leading past the kitchen on the right side.Sunlight streamed through the double doors on either side and the windows above.A small living area with a fireplace was to the left of the dining table.John noted the fine layer of dust on the table, admitting to himself that he had been spending too much time in the bunker.

The deputy didn't seem to notice the dust, instead looking around the room as she had the first.  She turned towards him, opening her mouth to speak but apparently thinking better of it and closing her mouth.

John noticed this, and he was reminded again of Joseph's words: "You will be treated as a guest, nothing less."He mentally told his brother to _fuck_ _off_ before speaking to the deputy once more."You're allowed to ask questions.If I can't give you an answer, I'll tell you."

She seemed to think it over."Are you the only one who lives here?"

John nodded."The guards have shifts, and return to their homes, or my Gate, when their shift ends."

"Why is it called a Gate?"As she spoke, she pulled a chair out from the table to sit.John followed suit, sitting to her right, at the head of the table.

"It's a Gate to Eden," he replied."And Eden will only be accessible to us after the Collapse."

"I know Faith had one, too.I suppose Jacob does as well?"

"Yes, though he refers to it as the armory."

"Does Joseph have one?"

John paused."I'm unsure.Even to us, his siblings, some of his plans are unknown."

The deputy hummed in response, looking up at the room and resting her forearms on the table.They fell into a silence, neither relaxed or tense.

"How long does it take Bliss to get out of someone's system?"Her voice was quiet, and John thought he might have missed it if they were anywhere except an empty room.

"It depends," he answered."On how much was in the system and how far gone the person was.I've never experienced a full dose myself, but I know that it can be quite potent.The longer the person is dosed, the longer it takes to get out."

She looked up at the ceiling."It took a shot of adrenaline to my heart to pull me out time before last."

John looked at her with incredulity, but she continued.

"I saw Joseph that time...he showed me what he saw.I saw the Collapse."She looked at him directly, pure honesty in her eyes."I felt the heat, I saw what he is trying to avoid.How... how did I see that? How did that work?"Her eyes fell to her cuffed wrists.She mumbled then, "How can destruction on that scale be avoided?"

John stared at this woman, someone who survived a helicopter crash, an entirely unhealthy amount of Bliss, and then a car wreck, and wondered how the _hell_ she came to Hope County.No one was lucky enough to survive that, he found himself thinking.Joseph was right, she was here for a reason.

Hesitantly, he lifted a hand and rested it over hers.She looked at him as he spoke."We don't know if it can be avoided.That's why we're preparing."

Her lips parted as if she was going to speak, but she seemed to think better of it, instead pulling her hands away from him.

John cleared his throat and stood up."Come, Deputy," he said."Let me show you where you'll be sleeping.I'm sure you'd like a shower and a fresh set of clothes."

The deputy nodded, rising from the table and passing his outstretched arm towards the stairs.She followed his directions, turning left at the top of the stairs and entering the room on the left side of the hallway, above the kitchen.

It was a study, bookshelves lining the wall ahead of them and to the left.A desk had been moved against the right wall beneath a window, a comfortable chair behind it and a basket on its surface.A daybed was pushed against the final wall, fresh linens in a neat pile at the foot of the bed.

"I had to improvise a space for you," John said behind her."I hope you like books."

"I love reading," she admitted, looking at the shelves.Among various books of law, there were some fiction books, as well as several various religious texts."I know you're a lawyer, but did you study religion at some point?"She indicated the shelf of religious books.

"It was an interest of mine in my undergraduate degree," he told her."I'd honestly forgotten they were up here."

The deputy merely hummed in response, looking at the variety of titles on the shelves.

John's walkie crackled on his hip, and he stepped into the hallway to listen to the transmission, keeping an eye on the deputy as she examined the shelves.It was a standard check-in from his posts in the valley, nothing of particular interest.He watched the deputy sit on the bed, carefully picking at the edge of the bandages again, though this time it appeared she was trying to unwrap them.

He reentered the room, pulling the chair over to her."Allow me," he offered, carefully watching her reaction.

"Easier for you to do anyways, you don't have cuffs on."She offered her arms to him, examining the various cuts on her skin as he unwrapped the bandages.His thumb gently touched the tattoo on the inside of her right wrist, a series of dots and dashes.

"Morse code?" He asked, glancing up at her.

Val nodded."My mother's initials.She deserved better."

He remained silent at that, deciding not to delve into her family's history so soon after arriving at the ranch.She had sworn to confess to him, and he did expect that, but he also understood that it would have to take a back burner to teaching her about the Project.

When he finished, he discarded the old bandages in a trash can beneath the desk.John rested a hand on the basket atop the surface."These are the clothes we retrieved for you on short notice.I'm sure most of them aren't necessarily your style, but unfortunately you'll have to make do."

The deputy stood up after investigating the state of her arms and moved to the basket.She immediately fished out a pair of jeans, also choosing a longsleeve t-shirt from the top of the neat piles.John waited for her to finish, then led her out of the room.

The pair walked down the hall to the right.John was forced to admit that the ranch definitely needed another bathroom after this situation had concluded--they were going to have to share his.He pushed open the door to his bedroom."The bathroom is straight ahead of you," he told her.

She paused at the door."Is this your room?"

"Yes, Deputy, this is my room.The bathroom is the only one in this side of the ranch, so we will have to share its amenities."He followed her into the bedroom, watching her take in the sparse decor before she moved towards the bathroom.

"You spared no expense in here, did you?" She called out, voice echoing against the tile.He then heard her say quieter to herself, "Rich lawyer boy."

John allowed himself a small smile and pulled the handcuff key from his pocket."Deputy, if you want to shower I'll give you privacy, but I'd imagine you want your cuffs off first."

The deputy returned to him, hands devoid of the clothes she'd been holding.He undid the cuffs, stowing them and the key together in his jacket.As she turned, he grabbed one of her arms and pulled her back, grip firm enough to warn her.

"I know you already have an idea of the security around here," he practically growled, looking down at her. "If you try to escape, consider our arrangement null and void, and then we'll see who is more wrathful: you, or me."

She pulled her arm out of his grasp roughly, and he could see her anger igniting in her eyes."I'll play your game, John, but from here on out, do not touch me unless I ask.I've had enough men touch me without permission, and the next one who does it will end up losing a hand."Her voice was much more venomous than he anticipated, leaving him watching after her as she stalked into the bathroom.As the door shut and the lock clicked, he turned with a single thought.

_Well, this will certainly be interesting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (There is only one bathroom. Take this information as you will.)


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our first real look at Val, plus some tension.

Valerie took a minute to breathe after locking the bathroom door.Adrenaline was running rampant through her veins, partially because she had just back-talked _John_ _fucking_ _Seed_.Not to mention he--and Joseph--had been touching her all day.She could imagine his touch through her clothing, and she wanted to crawl out of her own skin.She instead peeled her clothes off one layer at a time, discarding all on the tile floor.The deputy turned to look at the reflection in the mirror, and what she saw was mildly shocking.

The woman staring back at her had been hardened by things she thought she'd never see; her green eyes were tired, dark circles below them contrasting against her fair skin.Despite that, her skin was darker than she remembered, tanned by the Montana sun.Her copper red hair was tangled, falling past her shoulders, but it wasn't in awful shape--she had her near-constant ponytail to thank for that.The bandages around her midsection and thigh were worn around the edges but still intact, and she could see the edges of her forget-me-not tattoo peeking out from the fabric on her left side.The writing on her sternum, on the other hand, was red and irritated around the ink, in need of cleaning and care.

With care, Valerie leaned over the counter towards the mirror, examining John's handiwork.His writing was even, the text reading quite plainly, "WRATH."She noticed that the handwriting was neater than others she'd seen, including the markings on John's own chest.Was that because she hadn't struggled?

Leaning back, the deputy began to unwrap the bandages around her waist.She turned around upon seeing no wounds on her stomach, then gasped when she saw the reflection of the jagged line carved into her skin on her lower back.It was about nine inches long, starting on her right side below her ribs and curving down towards her left hip.It had been neatly stitched shut, but she could see it also needed cleaning and fresh bandages.

Valerie then removed the bandages on her right leg, expecting a similar looking cut as the one on her back.She was not disappointed when the bandages revealed a shorter but deeper cut on the side of her thigh, about four inches in length.It had also been stitched closed.Val couldn't help but wonder what kind of medical precautions the Project had ready for the Collapse.

After examining her body for any other injuries, Valerie cranked the shower on, rolling her eyes once more at its immense size--it could easily fit four people.While the water warmed up, she found a towel and a washcloth in the linen closet, unsurprised at their softness and the rich cobalt blue color that matched the shirt John wore.She also found a roll of bandages to replace the ones she had removed once she was clean.

She set the towel on the edge of the bathtub adjacent to the shower before stepping into the shower.She wet the washcloth and started by cleaning the wound on her thigh carefully before attempting to clean the one on her back.When she thought she had covered it all, she gently dabbed at the fresh tattoo beneath her collarbone, wincing when it stung and the washcloth came away slightly tinted with blood.She then lathered the washcloth with soap, cleaning the rest of her body and savoring the feeling of once more being clean, without the touch of someone else.Washing her hair was difficult to do without getting the suds in her wounds, but she managed; John's expensive shampoo didn't hinder the process in the slightest.

The bathroom was fogged with steam when she finally emerged from the shower, her skin flushed from the heat.Val wished she could have shaved, but she figured John wouldn't trust her to have a razor blade unsupervised.After drying off carefully, she wrapped her leg up once more.She realized she couldn't wrap her back without assistance, admitting to herself she was going to have to let John touch her again.She set the bandages on the counter and got dressed, glad the t-shirt was loose enough that it wouldn't cling to the wound on her back.She found a hairbrush and gently pulled it through her hair before picking up the clothes from earlier and the bandages and pushing the door open.

John wasn't in the bedroom.Light shone in from the skylight in the ceiling, and the king-sized bed was made neatly, a simple black duvet covering it.There were few decorations: an Eden's Gate logo on one wall, a small framed picture on the bedside table, and a landscape painting above the bed.A small bookshelf was underneath the framed logo, filled with more books; a dresser sat opposite the bed, a layer of dust on top.

Valerie wondered how often John actually stayed in his home.She moved out of the open bedroom door, walking down the hallway towards her "room."She dropped the old clothes inside the doorway, verifying that John wasn't there either, and then went downstairs.

John was in the kitchen, rummaging through the fridge.He'd draped his long coat over the chair he'd been sitting in earlier.His low swearing carried over to her, and Val would have chuckled had she not been in this particular situation.She returned to her previous spot at the table, setting the bandages in front of her and waiting to see when he'd notice her.

It took John a solid two or three minutes to get his head out of the fridge.He closed the door in what appeared to be defeat, jumping slightly when he saw Valerie sitting at the table silently.He dragged a hand down his face slowly, eyes still closed when he asked, "Do you normally sneak around when you're inside?"

Valerie pursed her lips, debating whether or not she should be honest or sarcastic.Leaning towards a combination of both, she answered, "In Hope County, yes."

He leveled his gaze at her, sighing deeply."Are you hungry, Deputy?"

"I've been living on bread and water for who knows how long, so yes."Valerie picked up the bandages, showing them to him."When you have a minute, could you wrap my back for me?"

John came out of the kitchen then, coming around the table.Val stood up and handed him the bandages, turning around and lifting her shirt so he could see the wound.She heard him take a breath in through his teeth.

"I didn't realize how bad this was," he commented as he held one end of the bandage against her skin, passing the roll to her so she could circle it around the front of her abdomen."Do you need pain medicine?"

Valerie was surprised at his concern, passing the roll back to him."No, it isn't really bothering me.My leg hurts much worse, I'm sure you noticed I'm limping a bit."

"I did notice."He fell silent for a moment before continuing, "I'll ask the doctors who did your stitches if there are any additional steps that need to be taken to prevent infection.They neglected to inform me that your wounds were this severe."

Valerie sensed anger in his voice, wondering how he would punish them for their lack of insight."I'm sure it just needs to be cleaned regularly.I'm more concerned about when the stitches will need to get cut."

John tied the bandage, setting the roll on the table.Val pulled her shirt down and faced him."Thank you."

He replied nonchalantly, "If you need help with it, just ask."He turned back towards the kitchen."How do you feel about sandwiches for lunch?"

Valerie sat back down, absentmindedly running her fingers over themselves."Sounds good to me."

\--------

Over lunch, John walked Val through his responsibilities.He was the public face of the Project as well as their legal representation.He explained that he had met with law enforcement previously about some of the Project's actions, but he had not been fully prepared for a legal battle with the U.S. Marshals.Needless to say, he hit a nerve when he said that there had been no previous indication from the Hope County sheriffs that the Marshals were involved.

Valerie had asked him about Nancy then, and John told her that he didn't know much about her besides the fact that she had given him some information regarding emergency services after the "reaping."She only vaguely recalled someone calling "let the reaping begin" after the helicopter crashed.John's acute hearing surprised her when he laughed at some choice insults towards Nancy she muttered under her breath.

Later in the afternoon, John led Val outside to show her around the other buildings of the ranch.

The other important building aside from the living quarters was the hangar, which Val was already familiar with.She watched John fawn over the Affirmation, his eyes sparkling with pride as he told her that he had rebuilt the engines himself.Afterwards, he fell silent, admiring his own handiwork.

"Why'd you take Nick's plane?" she blurted into the silence.

John looked at her inquisitively."Nick Rye is a threat to the Project."

Val crossed her arms in defiance."You know, he just wants to leave Hope County to protect his wife and baby."

John's face, which had been confident, faltered for a moment.He then retorted, "Why, then, are there machine guns mounted to it?"

"I don't know the answer to that," Val said, defensive."But your actions are preventing a family from leaving what some would consider a _literal_ war zone to go somewhere safe."

"They would be safe if they joined Eden's Gate," he replied, approaching her.Irritation colored his voice."They would have all the supplies they need for the baby, as well as medical care for the delivery."

"And that would be forcing Nick to be a gun-toting soldier, doing shifts and risking his life, all the while being away from his very pregnant wife and possibly missing the birth of his child."Her voice was sharp, and she could tell all it was doing was upsetting John.

"If _some_ one hadn't come to arrest Joseph, no one's lives would be at risk!Hope County would be peaceful, just as it was before _you_ and your _posse_ showed up!"John was nearly yelling, hands gesturing wildly as he bordered on entering her personal space.

When he pointed at her, though, something inside her snapped.She balled her right hand and swung it towards John's face.It connected with his left cheekbone, sending John into the dust of the hangar floor.

Valerie didn't move to strike him again, nor did she try to run, knowing both options would worsen the situation.She watched as John groaned, picking himself up off the ground.

He immediately pushed her into the wall behind her with surprising speed, one of his hands pressing against her throat enough to make it difficult to breathe.His eyes were electric as he growled at her, "That was a mistake, _Deputy_."

The corners of her mouth turned up into a smile as she said, "At least I wasn't stupid enough to run."She glanced at his cheekbone, his skin already beginning to darken from the blow.

The pressure on her neck increased ever so slightly."And here I was being generous by letting you walk around without cuffs."His free hand moved to his pocket, pulling the handcuffs out.

Val was mildly impressed that he managed to get them around her wrists with only one hand, but she also wasn't struggling.His hand rested at the base of her neck as he pushed her back towards the main building of the ranch.The adrenaline from hitting him had begun to fade when they entered the living area, and she became acutely aware of his touch.

John pushed her into her "room" roughly, fixing her with a hard glare as he pulled the door closed and left her alone inside.

She heard him talk over the radio but couldn't make out what was said; her questions were answered when she heard a set of footsteps come up the stairs and a muted conversation occurred in the hallway.Val then heard a set of footsteps leave the area in front of her door.She sat on the bed, shoulders slumping. _Way_ _to_ _go,_ _Val,_ _you_ _made_ _your_ _situation_ _worse_.

She stood back up and grabbed the sheets that rested at the base of the bed.If she was going to be stuck in her room, she might as well make herself comfortable.Val made the bed, focusing on the details and making sure the sheets were flat before moving on to the quilt that had been at the bottom of the pile.She flopped onto the bed, sighing deeply as she realized it had been quite some time since she'd laid in an actual bed.

Val didn't even realize that she'd closed her eyes until she found herself dreaming of a sunrise and a warm touch on her shoulder.


	8. Chapter 8

John had been pacing in the living room for some time, holding a bag of ice to his face.The deputy's attack on him had proven that he was right to arrange a separate room for her, but he still couldn't figure out her motivation for attacking him.He was angry she was right, though; she didn't try to run.He'd placed one of his guards directly outside her door in case she tried to do anything stupid.She was smarter than that, but he didn't want to take any risks.

John paused, wondering how his brothers would handle the situation.Jacob would leave her to starve for a few days, but Joseph would forgive her without hesitation.That's what he did with everyone, it would seem, except him.Joseph's reservations had been reinforced at the river; "you have to love them," indeed. That was why he was so determined to succeed with the deputy; he knew with enough time, he could make her see-

A yelp from upstairs interrupted his train of thought, and he immediately rushed up to the second floor to investigate.The guard outside the deputy's door was looking concerned, but he had obeyed John's orders to not enter the room under any circumstances.John nodded at the guard, who stepped aside.He entered the room warily, closing the door behind him.

The deputy was curled up in a ball on the bed, trembling.Her arms were wrapped around her head protectively, and she whimpered unintelligibly.John took a step into the room, taking care to make sure his footfalls were light.She tried to curl herself up smaller, and then she cried out, "Stay away from me, Marcus.Don't touch- don't touch me!"

_A nightmare,_ John realized.He moved to the bedside, watching as she pushed herself into the corner of the bed, her still-cuffed hands moving to her waist and hovering above it, as if she were reaching for a holstered gun.

"Marcus, I'm warning you, you can't be here." Her words were threatening, but John could hear the anguish in her voice.With a deep breath, he crouched to her level, reaching out to gently touch her shoulder.

"Deputy, wake up, it's just a dream."He spoke quietly, not wanting to startle her.

She recoiled from his touch, swatting at his hand instinctively.John resolved himself to whatever she might do, placing his hand on her shoulder a little more firmly and shaking her gently.

"Deputy," he said a little louder, "you're having a nightmare.You need to wake up."

The deputy jolted under his hand, eyes flying open.She scrabbled away from him on the bed, moving to the opposite corner."What- what are you doing?"

John stood up, choosing not to move any closer."You cried out in your sleep, and when I came to see what the noise was, you were having a nightmare."He paused, gauging her reaction.

She covered her face with her hands, a quiet line of "no, no, no, no" streaming from her mouth.She then looked at him, hands dropping into her lap and a look of resigned discomfort on her face."What did you hear?"

"You talking to someone named Marcus," he replied.At her expression of absolute defeat, he continued."I wouldn't normally ask, but you _did_ promise you would confess."

The deputy took a deep breath, leaving the room silent for a few minutes.She pulled her knees towards her chest and wrapped her arms around them, giving John the impression this was _not_ how she wanted this conversation to be going.

"Why do you care who he was?" she asked.

John moved to the chair by the desk and seated himself, taking a deep breath."I want to save you, Deputy, and I explained to you earlier that part of my responsibility for the Project is to save people so they can join us."

"You don't even know me, how could you possibly want to save me?"

"Everyone is worthy of being saved if they confess their sins and atone.Consider this me getting to know you, if you'd rather think of it like that."

She left the room silent once again, and it appeared to John that she was debating whether or not to speak again.He was about to get up to leave when she spoke.

"Marcus was my ex-boyfriend."

John's eyebrows lifted.

"He was an emotionally manipulative, abusive person.When I broke it off with him, he tried to use our mutual friends to get back to me, and it got to the point where he was stalking me.I filed a restraining order."

John merely nodded, waiting for her to continue.

"He obeyed the order for a few months.One night, I was running the night shift and responded to a break-in call.The intruder jumped me, and I managed to subdue him physically, but I was pretty shaken up.EMT checked me out, I was fine.My partner offered to drive me home but I told him I was okay."

She paused and took another breath.

"Marcus was waiting at my apartment.It was around dawn, not a lot of light by the door...he reached out and touched me and without thinking I drew my gun and when he lunged at me I pulled the trigger."Her words ran together like a stream, and John saw her start to shake as she hid her face.

"I was in prison for three months.But I was found not guilty and I walked free."

John considered how to respond, choosing to ask, "How long ago was this?"

"Four years ago.I was 24."

He filed away the fact that she was 28 without realizing.He was about to speak when she laughed bitterly and said, "That's not even the worst part."

John frowned."You mean to tell me that being on trial for killing someone _wasn't_ the low point of this story?"

She fixed him with a cold look."My lawyer took on my case _pro bono_ , claiming in the press something along the lines of 'respecting law enforcement' and ensuring that 'everyone gets a fair trial.'But when the case was finished, he called me to his office...and he wanted sex as payment for 'a job well done.'"She curled up smaller, pressing her forehead to her knees and hiding her face.

John realized this was the 'experience' she'd had with lawyers, from their conversation before she'd been caught.He was reluctant to admit that more than a few of his former colleagues had been the same way in Georgia.He slid the chair a little closer to the bed.She looked up at him when she heard the sound, her cheeks a little pink from her distress.

"Hey," he said."None of that is your fault."

She shook her head, breaking eye contact."You're just saying that because you're a defense lawyer."

"I am _not_ ," he insisted."Look at me."

Her green eyes met his, confusion evident in her gaze.

"I am saying that as someone who was also emotionally manipulated and who did regrettable things because of it," he said firmly."I understand that you probably blame yourself for what happened but you shouldn't."

Her hands moved but her gaze didn't, scratching at her wrists, much like she had before they left the bunker.John noticed it and said, "Deputy, your arms."

She blinked back to herself, stopping and instead wrapping her arms around herself.

"Do you do that often?" he asked before he could stop himself."I've seen you do it twice now."

"It happens when I get lost in my anxiety," she replied."It started when I stopped drinking.I've scratched my skin raw on more than one occasion."

John scratched at his jaw absentmindedly."You know, Deputy, I just realized that I don't even know your first name."

"Wow, not even the lawyer could find me," she said sarcastically.

Irritation flared in John."I figured you might be more comfortable if I called you by your name as opposed to your title, little as it currently means."

"Until I say otherwise, _Mr. Seed_ , you may address me as Deputy."Her voice turned cold.

John closed his eyes and took a deep breath to keep from saying anything rash."Very well."He rose, striding from the room and closing the door behind him.The guard stepped back into his previous spot, and John went outside to take a quick flight in the Affirmation.

The familiar routine of starting the controls and taking off helped soothe his nerves about the Deputy.She had to know what she was doing to him.With every conversation they had, he grew more and more irritated that she was supposed to be following him.Joseph was testing him, he decided.His eyes caught the remains of Joseph's statue near the Henbane, remembering the radio chatter and Faith's pure _outrage_ at the deputy's bold move.He allowed himself a small smile; it was impressive that she had managed to destroy the statue without crashing her plane.

Radio chatter interrupted his thought process.Someone had arrived at the ranch, and John would be damned if they saw the deputy there and not himself.He did his best to calm himself as his wheels touched down on the airstrip, taking the extra time to make sure the engines were clear of obstructions before going inside.

John walked inside feeling much more relaxed and refocused on his mission to show the Deputy that he and the Project were doing good.That good mood was almost immediately extinguished at the sight of a different redhead sitting at his dining room table, reading a book as if he'd been there all afternoon.

"Hey, brother," Jacob said in his familiar gruff tones."Been a bit."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> With the posting of this chapter, I have officially run out of buffer material and you all are caught up with where I am in this story! I look forward to discovering where we go from here with John and Valerie (:
> 
> A note about the Tumblr adult content fiasco: I will still be on Tumblr, fear not! I try to keep my blog sfw anyways, hence I will go down with the trash blog site since I've been on it for nearly 8 years (yikes)
> 
> See you guys soon (hopefully)!


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Heeeeey so happy new year! Hit a bit of a writing block but had a great breakthrough in where I want to go with this story--just have to get from this chapter to the exciting stuff haha
> 
> Thank you all for your patience!!

Valerie heard the rumble of the plane outside as it left the hangar, sighing deeply as she realized she had a short break from John's presence.She didn't understand why she had confessed Marcus' story to him at all, but at least it was a hurdle she didn't have to jump over later.When he eventually learned her childhood story, she was sure he'd start actually pitying her.The only other option in that situation is that he would berate her for not coming out stronger; all of the Seed brothers had been through worse, she imagined him telling her.

Noise from outside her door drew her attention away from herself.It was the radio on the guard outside, she realized.Quietly, she stood up and moved to the door, pressing her ear against it and listening intently.All she could make out is that there was someone important at the ranch--could it be Joseph?Or was John back already?She hadn't heard the plane return.

As if on cue, the growl of Affirmation's engines returned and slowed to a stop.Val pulled away from the door, moving to the bookshelves and beginning to look for something to read in case John came upstairs.She heard a lower voice through the floor, then John's slightly higher tones.The conversation between the two went on for a few minutes before they stopped and footsteps came up the stairs; she couldn't tell if it was one pair or two.

A sharp rap on the door told her instinct it was John that had come up the stairs.The door opened, and she turned from the bookshelf to confirm that it was John.He was looking rather unsettled, to her minor amusement.

He met her gaze long enough to ensure he had her attention, then he straightened up and gestured for her to follow him out of the room.He didn't wait for her to join him at the door, turning and walking away with little pause.She sped across the room to follow, and Val found him at the top of the stairs waiting for her.He held his arm out for her to go first, and she reluctantly obeyed, avoiding his gaze.

As she descended the stairs, a mostly-unfamiliar face looked up from a book at the dining room table.Val recognized him as Jacob Seed, the oldest of the brothers and the one who had served in the Gulf War.Blue eyes that matched John's sized her up as she approached the table, and she almost felt like a rabbit staring down a wolf.

In a fluid motion, Jacob dog-eared the page of his book, set it on the table, and rose to meet her and John.

John cleared his throat as Val stopped before Jacob."Deputy, this is my brother, Jacob.I'm sure you remember him from the night of the _attempted_ arrest."

Val had to look up at Jacob, moreso than with John, and she nodded mutely.

Jacob chuckled."Not a talker, I see."His speech was slower than John's, more relaxed."Joseph sent her with you?"He circled her as he spoke.

John confirmed, "Yes, he said that she needed to learn about the Project, see that we aren't who the sheriffs told her we were."

Jacob hummed as he stopped in front of her, the corners of his eyes crinkling in amusement."If she bites, send her to me for a week or two."

Val could only follow Jacob's movements.His presence was imposing; she felt more vulnerable before him than she did with John or even Joseph.

"It may come to that," John joked."Her sin is _wrath_ , after all.She would've been good as a Chosen if you'd found her first."

 _A_ _Chosen?_ _What_ _is_ _that?_ Val found herself thinking.Val shot a glare in John's direction, but Jacob's fingers caught her chin and forced her to look him in the eyes."I can see that," he said."Be careful with this one, Johnny.I have the feeling she's got something up her sleeve."

Despite herself, Val pulled her chin out of Jacob's grasp."Please don't touch me," she said, surprised at her own confidence.

If Jacob was surprised, he made no indication of it."As you wish, Deputy."He turned to John."Speaking of Chosen, how many do you have for me to take into the mountains?The Whitetails are learning rather quickly and I need to begin a new round."

"If I remember correctly," John replied, "I believe I have six waiting at the Gate."

Jacob nodded, a cheeky smirk on his face. "Next time, just send them up to me instead of ignoring my radio messages."

"I was in the middle of a confession," John informed him, irritated.

"Confession does not mean time stops," Jacob countered."I'll get out of your hair."He retrieved his book from the table and left, pausing at the door."It was nice to see you, John, Deputy."With that, he disappeared into the light of the setting sun.

As soon as the door shut behind him, John sighed deeply and sunk into the nearest chair.Val watched as he practically melted into his seat with a groan.She figured she might as well ask her question now."What's a Chosen?"

John sat back up in his chair slowly, watching her carefully."Chosen are the strongest of our followers.They are trained by Jacob to be our fiercest defenders."

Val sat at another chair at the table."Are the followers in the cu- _Project's_ outposts usually Chosen?"

John shook his head."No, those are just followers who have knowledge of weaponry more advanced than average.You won't see Chosen outside of the mountains unless Jacob has sent them somewhere for a specific task."

"How are they trained?"

John sent her a bone-chilling glance."I don't know many details, but the ones I do I won't share."

Val pressed her lips together in answer, dropping her gaze to the table.She gently traced the grain of the wood with one fingertip.

"What convinced you to come work with Joseph? Weren't you happy in Georgia?" she asked quietly.

John's look immediately softened."I was," he answered with some surprise. "I suppose part of it was the shock of seeing my brother after all we'd been through together, in addition to what I'd been through on my own."

"Your pains," Val interjected.

John looked at her, surprised. "Yes, those." He fell silent for a moment. "And somehow, when he walked through the doors of the firm, it felt like everything was falling into place-like God, or fate, was telling me to say _yes_."

Val was quiet, her gaze falling back to the table. She realized that this was his calling, of sorts, like how she was drawn to become a police officer in the first place.

"I kind of understand," she began slowly. "After everything my mom went through with my dad, and seeing her suffer, I felt like I needed to protect her. Becoming a cop was my way to do that." Val could feel his eyes on her, but she just continued to trace the grain on the table absentmindedly.

"Your tattoo on your wrist," he said. "You said it was her initials?"

Val allowed herself a smile. "Yeah, it is. She and I learned Morse so we could communicate around my dad without speaking."

"I take it your father wasn't the kind for excessive noise, then."

"Yeah."

"Both my parents were the same way."

"I'm sorry. It was hard enough with just my dad."

They fell into a silence, not unlike the one they'd shared earlier. Val stopped tracing the grain of the table, resting her hands on the surface. She flipped her left wrist over, examining the morse code tattoo.

"What was her name?" His voice startled her, but she forced herself not to show it.

"Katelyn Audrey," Val heard herself saying.

John hummed in consideration. "A beautiful name."

"Thank you, "she murmured. "What about your tattoos? You have so many."

"Ah, well, I think it's safe to say I'm addicted to ink," John chuckled. He ran a finger over a small pattern below an ornate tattoo. "I think these are my favorite. I've always loved planes, as I believe I demonstrated earlier."

"Your jacket, too," Valerie said as she realized that he did, in fact, have planes on his long coat.

"Yes, there too. I used to collect and build model planes as a child, since they were a quiet activity that would keep me busy."

"Mine was puzzles," Valerie admitted. "I used to do the same puzzle over and over again because my dad wouldn't let me get a new one."

John eyed her with a sorrowful look. "I wish I could understand that. My parents were fairly wealthy, so they'd throw gadgets at me in order to keep me behaving appropriately." He paused, causing Valerie to wonder what he was considering saying. "If you don't mind me asking," he started slowly, "how else was your father abusive? You mentioned the noise and your mother, but I dont want to jump to any conclusions."

Valerie was surprised at his consideration of her experience. "He was a drinker, "she began. "At first it was just yelling at my mother. Then it was yelling at both of us. And then... he started hitting my mom." She took a shaky breath. "I'm lucky it didn't escalate to him hitting me. I think that was only avoided because he died before he could get to that point."

John looked down at the table, much like she had earlier. "How did he pass?"

"Car accident. He was driving while under the influence, swerved off the road into a low shoulder," Val scoffed. "Died instantly. Bastard deserved worse."

John looked back to her. "Watch your wrath, Deputy. You've already been marked once," he warned, an edge to his voice.

Val held her hands up in surrender. "Alright, "she sighed. "That's why my mom and I changed our names when he died. He was the past, and we needed to move forward."

"Ah," John said in surprise. "That's probably why I couldn't find any information on you--you had a legal name change."

Val shrugged. "Maybe." She glanced outside, surprised to see that it was getting dark. "Where did the day go?"

John followed her gaze to the window. "I suppose you have a point there," he said.

"Are you a light sleeper?" Val asked.

John's brow furrowed. "Why?"

"I doubt you'd appreciate me waking you in the event I need to use the bathroom in the middle of the night."

"Fair enough," John said."No, I'm typically not a light sleeper.If the need arises, a guard will escort you to the bathroom and wait outside your door."

Val wanted to protest, but she knew it wouldn't be in her best interest--she did punch John in the face not more than a few hours ago."Understood.I'm going to go get ready for bed now--sleep isn't a commodity I'm used to right now, so I might as well get as much as I can."

John rose as she did, and they both climbed the stairs towards Val's room.A new guard was stationed outside her door-- _when_ _did_ _that_ _happen?_ \--and John approached him.He pulled the handcuff key from his pocket."When Deputy Holm is ready for bed, you may uncuff her.If she needs to use the restroom in the night, you do not need to recuff her, but walk her directly to the restroom in my bedroom and _nowhere_ else.Am I clear?"

"Yes, sir," the guard replied.

John handed him the key, turning back to Val."Goodnight, Deputy."He walked back to the top of the stairs, hesitating for a moment."It is my hope that your nightmares do not repeat themselves," he said fairly quietly before descending the stairs and leaving her sight.

Puzzled, Valerie stared after him for a few moments before entering her room and closing the door for the night.


	10. in another life

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A John chapter, with a fun headcanon of mine being revealed...

John was frustrated.With whom, he couldn't tell.Was it himself? Was it Joseph? Was it Deputy Holm?

As he descended the stairs, he heard the door to the deputy's room click shut. _That's one thing done for the day,_ he thought to himself. _What a day it has been._ Seeing both Joseph and Jacob, being assigned a second deputy to keep watch over _and_ being tasked with educating her about the entirety of the Project.

John stepped into the kitchen, reaching for the cabinet of glasses.He filled it with water, taking a few long drinks from it before setting it on the counter.In the ensuing moment of silence, he could hear the Deputy walking around in the room above him.

A real enigma she was turning out to be.Abused by both father and boyfriend, imprisoned, implied recovering alcoholic, all before coming to Hope County.

John sighed. In another life, they might have known each other, maybe even been friends.In this life, though, he needed to discover her other sins, if she had them.He'd found wrath, in her fight to protect the other deputies, but who knew what else she hid.He brought the glass of water back to his lips, finishing it and setting the glass in the sink.

He turned the lights off in the dining room and kitchen before heading up the stairs, the guard at the top nodding curtly as John passed him.John returned the nod and continued to his room, closing the door behind him.

Slowly, he crossed the room to the small wardrobe, unbuttoning his shirt and slipping it off.The rest of his clothes followed after, and he ran his hands over his face before pulling back the covers on his bed and sinking into the mattress. Sleep took him easily, as it usually did.

He was startled when he woke up in the Bliss, something that had not occurred in several months.The landscape was hazy in the distance, trees dotting the horizon and the sickly sweet smell of the flowers permeating the air.Blue butterflies danced around the trees, some landing on the people sitting in their shade.

Faith didn’t whisper in his ear as she typically did when he woke up in the Bliss, and John realized even without her, the Bliss would continue to corrupt her Angels.Her absence did not seem to affect those he could see, and he began walking the dirt path in front of him.

After passing several of the trees, he noticed a larger one up the path, with a lone figure sitting beneath it.Her coppery hair shone in the unnatural light, and he found himself moving quickly to join her.

The deputy turned to look at him as he approached, her eyes glassy with Bliss.“John,” she sighed as he knelt next to her.A shy smile graced her lips, and she raised a hand to caress his cheek.“You found me.”

John leaned into her touch, pleased deep down to receive a kind touch that wasn't accompanied by words of judgment or warning.He snapped back to himself, taking her hand between his.“Deputy, you have to wake up.”

Her nose crinkled as she laughed.“Why would I do that?I’m happy here.Free.”

“Deputy,” John repeated with a little more force, “this isn’t real.You need to wake up.”

Her eyes widened, the Bliss fading from them.“John,” she said, her voice scared.“What is this?”

John shook his head.“Remnants of Bliss.You need to wake up.”

He watched as panic took hold of her.She pulled her hand from his and looked around, her frame beginning to tremble as she processed what was happening.She closed her eyes and curled into herself."No, no, this can't be happening..."

A resounding boom snapped John's attention away from the deputy, watching as the horizon in front of him was painted with fire.Almost instantly, the sky turned dark and the glow of the flames replaced the haze of the Bliss.John could see the shockwave rolling towards them, its speed deceptive in its distance.He turned back to the deputy only to find her completely gone, no indication that she was there in the first place.

John took a deep breath, a scowl forming on his face.It wasn't the first time the Bliss had fooled him, and he was fairly certain it wouldn't be the last.He fully seated himself on the ground, closed his eyes, and waited for the blast to arrive.It took less than a minute, but every second felt like hours.He opened his eyes only to be engulfed in dust and heat, and then he was awake, gasping for air in the familiar space of his own room.

It took John a minute to fully come out of the panic that had settled into his bones, and when he did he sat up.He held his hands up in front of him, saw them tremble with adrenaline and fear, and dropped them back into his lap.His heartbeat was loud in his ears, and with a groan, he got out of bed.He ran a hand over his face before rummaging through his dresser for a pair of sleep pants.

_No use bothering with a shirt_ , he argued to himself as he pulled them on. _Deputy’s asleep by now_.He glanced at the clock, its blue light reading _3:26._ John shook his head with another sigh.The Bliss had been stronger than the last time it had hit him.Scratching the back of his head, he trudged out of his room and ventured towards the stairs.

The guard in front of the deputy’s room had brought a folding chair up when he took over from the guard John had seen before bed.He had a copy of the Book of Joseph open in his hands, but he looked up when he heard John’s door open.He moved to stand up, but John waved him down.

“What time did you get here?” John whispered once he was close enough.

“2 AM, sir,” the guard replied.

John nodded as he yawned.“You were told the parameters of her using the restroom?”

The guard nodded.

“Good,” John said.He moved to the stairs, walking down them slowly.He could practically feel the heat from the Bliss still, and he realized that there was no way that he was going to just forget this incident.He was going to break one of Joseph’s rules.

His bare feet hit the floor of the dining room, and he immediately angled for the kitchen.He’d stashed a bottle of whiskey in the corner cabinet way in the back, and he’d never had cause to use it.It was one of his secrets from his followers, from his siblings, and he had never wanted to open it until now.He pulled the bottle out and sat down on the floor, not bothering with a glass.He tore off the foil around the top—he bought top-shelf whiskey, _thank you very much_ —and pulled the cork out of the top.

John brought the bottle to his lips, skipping the typical savoring of the taste, letting the liquid flow down his throat.It burned, much like the first time he’d tasted the liquor, and he lowered the bottle so he wouldn’t cough and give himself away.John felt its warmth all the way down his chest before it settled in his stomach.His eyes closed for a moment, and the liquor warmed his cheeks, moving quickly through his system on a fairly empty stomach.

His thoughts turned from the shockwave from the Bliss to the deputy he’d seen sitting in it.Of all the things the dormant Bliss in his system had chosen to show him, why her?It could’ve shown him Joseph, Jacob, hell even Faith…but why did he react the way he did?John didn’t take issue with the Bliss itself, he’d taken it willingly, they all had.That’s why he could baptize without getting high himself, that’s why Joseph had barrels of it open around the church.He couldn’t tell if Jacob used it on his Chosen, but the same thing would apply: he was immune for the most part.

John remembered when Faith, Joseph, and Peter had approached himself and Jacob to ask if they were willing to test the drug.They both had been wary: Jacob because of his PTSD, and John because of his previous addictions.Faith had assured Jacob that it would relax him, and Peter had promised to keep John from taking too much.The five of them had then closed themselves in the ranch, each adding five drops of Bliss oil—much more concentrated—to a glass of water and drinking it.Peter did not take any of the drug, instead monitoring their vitals and ensuring any negative side effects did not require immediate medical attention.

The high was unlike anything John had ever experienced before; he was light and free and _happy_ , something he didn’t think he had ever truly felt.His brothers and Faith were there with him, and they had just been walking when their mother, the ghost of their childhood, floated by in front of them.The brothers had all exchanged glances and ignored her, ignored the way she disappeared in a haze of greenish smoke, and lost themselves in the feeling of the Bliss.When they awoke, Faith practically _flitted_ around like a fairy, ecstatic at the potential she witnessed in this formula.Joseph had praised her and Peter’s work, and then they all left, John the only one remaining at the ranch.

Since then, all of them had been mostly immune to the effects of the drug.Occasionally John would see some of the white sparks in the edges of his vision when he’d been at the river too long, but it was never enough to spark that same unbridled happiness again.Faith obviously spent the most time around it, able to connect with those who had been exposed for a long time, like the Marshal.

John didn’t even realize he was downing more of the whiskey until it settled in his stomach, bringing heat back to his face and spreading down his neck.Upon glancing at the bottle, he saw nearly half the bottle was gone.He stuck the cork back in the bottle and shoved it back into its hiding place in the cabinet in an effort to keep himself from drinking more.He took a deep breath before pushing himself off the floor, steadying himself on the counter before heading back for the stairs.

The guard was still reading the Book of Joseph, and John suddenly realized that he was reading in the dark.As he approached, he asked, “Do you need a light?”

The guard looked up at him, a look of confusion on his face.“Sir, smoking isn’t allowed in the Project.”

John closed his eyes in realization.“I meant for reading, it must be difficult for you to read in the dark.”

The guard paused with his mouth open, then closed it.“Sorry, I used to-“

“It’s alright,” John assured him.“There is no judgment for past habits or addictions in the Project.What’s your name? I haven’t seen you at the ranch before.”

“Stephen, sir.”

“There’s no need to call me sir every time you speak, Stephen.Allow me to welcome you to Seed Ranch.”

The guard smiled up at him.“Thank you.”He was handsome, even in the dark.He had light hair and eyes, and the way he held the book, with reverence, was endearing.

John smiled back, but it didn’t reach his eyes. _In another life_ , he thought to himself for the second time that night.He moved back to his bedroom, flopping on top of the covers without moving to take off the sleep pants he’d put on earlier.Lazily, he glanced at the clock. _3:52._

John groaned again before closing his eyes.With a few deep breaths and a little help from the alcohol, he fell back asleep quickly.


	11. coffee

Val woke up at first light, dawn starting to color the sky with pink and orange hues.With a yawn, she stretched carefully, targeting each muscle group except those with wounds before pushing herself out of bed.She'd found a pair of flannel pants and a loose t-shirt in the basket of clothes, and the daybed was surprisingly comfortable.She wasn't sure if that was because she hadn't slept in a real bed in who-knows-how-long or if it was truly a comfy bed.

As her feet hit the floor, another yawn came to her lips.Val stretched upwards then, a deep breath filling her lungs and making her feel more alert.She'd need a cup of coffee before she truly woke up, but this was a fairly good start considering the circumstances.She pushed her pants towards the floor, checking the bandage on her leg.It was still snugly in place, and Val couldn't see any bleeding through the layers.She only hoped her back was in the same state.After pulling her pants back up, she approached the door and pulled it open.

A new guard was in a chair next to the door, a white book in his lap and his head resting against the wall.His sandy blonde hair fit nicely with his tan skin, freckles dancing over his nose.His eyes opened when he heard the door open, and he rose to meet her.Grey eyes met her green, and she wasn't expecting him to _smile_ at her.

"Good morning, Deputy," he said.

Val frowned up at him in suspicion, realizing he was nearly a foot taller than her."Morning...?"

"I gather you need to use the restroom?"

She crossed her arms."Well, yeah, but my first priority is coffee."

The guard chuckled."Let's do restroom first."He held an arm out towards John's door, allowing her to go first.

Val's frown persisted, confusion ringing all the alarms in her head. _Who_ _is_ _this?_ _All_ _the_ _other_ _guards_ _act_ _like_ _I'm_ _a_ _suspect_ , she thought.Nevertheless, she realized she hadn't used the bathroom since she showered....yesterday morning, and the urge hit her hard.She walked swiftly down the hallway, pausing for a moment for the guard to give her permission to open John's door.

At his nod, she pushed the door open, making a beeline for the bathroom and ignoring anything else--specifically, John--in the room.She closed and locked the door behind her, slamming it a little louder than she intended.

Val relieved herself with a nearly audible sigh, relaxing on the toilet.After she washed her hands, she took a moment to lift her shirt and examine her back bandages in the mirror.As with the leg ones, they were still in place and had not been bled through.Val ran her fingers through her hair and allowed herself a small smile in the mirror, but the sound of voices washed it away.She crept towards the door, listening intently.

"...it's a little after 6, sir," she heard the guard say.

An unintelligible groan followed it, chased by a small stream of curses.She heard a creak of what she presumed was the bed, and then several pounds on the door had her straighten up in fear.She pulled the door open and found herself face to face with a shirtless John.

He had pure malice in his gaze, his blue eyes drilling down into her.The circles under his eyes were indicative of either poor sleep or complete lack of it, and she presumed this was why he was glaring at her so intensely.Val was momentarily distracted by the tattoos that extended all the way up his arms and blossomed across his chest, various motifs all masterfully inked into his skin.

She mustered up the courage to look annoyed."What?"

The scowl on his face deepened."Get out.And go the _fuck_ back to sleep."

Val matched his expression with one (she hoped) was as intense as his."Not my fault if you didn't sleep, Mr. Seed."

He took a step toward her, causing her to step back involuntarily."Out, Deputy."

She shouldered him out of the way, her glare moving to the guard lurking behind John, a look of "I don't know what to do" on his face."Coffee," she grunted as she moved past him, hearing the door to the bathroom slam shut.She also heard the guard follow her, probably out of self-preservation.He had the decency to close John's door behind them and followed her down the stairs to the kitchen.

Val immediately caught a whiff of liquor as she entered the kitchen.She was glad her first instinct was no longer _find_ _the_ _bottle_ ; it had evolved into _get_ _rid_ _of_ _the_ _smell_.The coffeepot, thank goodness, was on the end of the counter.She immediately set it to brew, and then she set about finding the source of the smell.

It didn't take her long to find; she stepped in a small puddle of liquid in front of the sink.After drying her foot off on the mat in front of the stove, she recognized the smell with a crinkle of her nose: whiskey.Val wordlessly reached for the paper towels on the counter, tearing a few off and kneeling to mop up the spill.The caramel color that soaked into the paper towel confirmed her suspicions but left her with more questions: who drank liquor last night, why, and where did it go?

Val rose and tossed the paper towels in the trash as the coffee pot started dripping the dark liquid into the carafe.She looked to the guard lurking by the base of the stairs, no doubt watching her every move."Want a cup?" She asked.

With a couple slow blinks, he came closer."Probably could use it," he said after a yawn, "I've been up since one anyways."

Val looked at him in confusion.Apparently her look was enough, because he answered the unspoken question, "My guard shift started at 2."

Val nodded wordlessly, opening the cabinet above the coffeepot in search of mugs.She found many, all plain white, and pulled down two."How do you take it?"

The guard shrugged."However it's prepared, usually--but black will be just fine for me.”

Val nodded.“Fair enough.”She watched the coffee brew, slow as time itself, and the pair fell into silence for a minute.She eyed the guard, also watching the coffee drip into the pot, and wondered why he didn't have as much hostility towards her as the others."How long have you been with the Project?"

He jumped a little in surprise. "Um, only a few weeks? I just got sent to the ranch though.John has been really welcoming, even though I've...been through a lot."His smile was brilliant.

Val pursed her lips."What's your name? I have the feeling that you and I are probably going to be seeing a lot of each other."

"Stephen."

"Stephen," she hummed."I'm Deputy Holm, but most people just call me Dep or Deputy."

"It's nice to meet you, Deputy."

They fell back into silence, and the coffee continued to brew.Several minutes passed before there was enough for both of them, and Val poured a cup first for Stephen, then herself.She turned to the fridge, pulling it open in search of creamer or milk.There were several different bottles of varying flavors, but Val reached for the vanilla to add to her mug.The color of the coffee lightened considerably before she tucked the bottle back into the fridge.

"Not a sugar person, then?" Stephen asked.

Val shook her head."Creamer is fine for me.I'm guessing _some_ one really likes his coffee sweetened though, based on the different flavors in there."

" _Some_ one would appreciate if you didn't talk about him when he isn't in the room," a new voice echoed from the stairs.

Val looked around the corner to see John descending the stairs, a navy bathrobe pulled over his sleep pants.His hair was disheveled, irritation still evident in his face, and as he entered the kitchen, he immediately reached for a mug and the coffee pot.

Tension entered the silence as John prepared his coffee with several packets of sugar and a copious amount of hazelnut creamer.Both Val and Stephen watched as he took the first sip, a look of contentment on his face.When he brought the mug down and opened his eyes, Val averted her gaze to avoid reprimand.Despite this, she could feel his stare as she took a drink of her own coffee.

John cleared his throat."I trust your night shift was relatively uneventful, Stephen?"

The guard nodded in response, a smile spreading across his face."Yes, it was.I got to read the first couple chapters of the Book of Joseph.He is a very eloquent person."

John hummed in agreement through another sip of coffee."He is, and that's something that I admire about him."

Val noticed that he neglected to comment on the book itself, wondering why.Maybe she'd read some to find out if she had time....

"Deputy," John began.

Val turned her attention to him."Yes?"

John blinked slowly at her, a slightly accusatory look giving her a chill."Is there a particular reason you decided to get up at the _literal_ crack of dawn?"

She narrowed her eyes at him in return."When you're a fugitive from the predominant force in the area, you have to make sure you're continually moving.I never had the opportunity to sleep in."Val had to try her best to stifle a yawn, concealing it as best she could behind her mug of coffee."Didn't have decent coffee, either."

The corner of John's mouth turned upwards."You're welcome."

Stephen observed this exchange wordlessly, gulping down his coffee like the exhausted person he was.He set down his then-empty mug."If you plan on staying awake, sir, then I would like to request that I be released from my guard duty to go home and sleep."

John looked to him."Go home, Stephen.Thank you for keeping an eye on the deputy before I got up."

Stephen nodded."Of course.Have a good day, John, Deputy."With that, he turned and left.

Both John and Val watched him go in silence.They simultaneously raised their coffee cups, Val bringing hers down before John.

"So," she began, "you didn't sleep well, I gather."

His shoulders tensed ever so slightly, and he slowly set his coffee mug on the counter."And why would I share that information with you?"

Val shrugged."You woke me from my nightmare yesterday.I didn't have any last night, so if I passed them to you, I figured the least I could do was apologize.Our conversation yesterday about my--well, our respective parents could have easily triggered that."

She noticed his shoulders relax slightly, and he waited a few long moments before speaking, his eyes scrutinizing her carefully."You're correct, I didn't sleep well, but it wasn't because of our conversation."He paused before adding quietly, "Thank you for your concern."

"It isn't every day you meet someone who knows what kind of things you went through as a kid," she murmured in response."Some part of me thinks that our kind of people have to support each other."

John didn't respond, instead watching her as she raised the coffee mug to her lips again.He did the same, and they fell into a serene peace.

Val had a thought, and she smirked into her coffee as she considered the idea.

John caught her smile."What's so amusing, Deputy?"

"If I told you my idea, you'd say no," she defended.

"Try me," he challenged, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

She set her coffee on the counter."Let's go watch the sunrise outside."

John raised his eyebrows."Why?"

"Because I bet you haven't seen the sun rise in a long time, and I want some fresh air."She picked up her coffee, walking backwards towards the door leading outside."I know you have plenty of guards to prevent me from making any rash decisions."

John opened his mouth to retort, but as Val opened the door, he also grabbed his coffee mug and followed her outside, muttering under his breath.

Val smiled, stepping outside and holding the door for him.She was sure that the guards were going to give them strange looks, the odd pair in their sleep clothes.She honestly did not care.John hadn't cuffed her (yet), so she was more than happy to see how she could push his limits without him losing his temper.

They each climbed up the ladder to the hangar tower carefully, coffee held reverently as to avoid spilling a single drop of their precious caffeine.Val made her way to the east side, leaning against the railing and waiting for John.

His hand with his coffee mug appeared first, setting it on the floor and pushing it as far away from the edge as he could.He followed shortly after, a thin sheen of sweat glistening on his forehead.He picked up his coffee with a groan before joining Val at the railing, his back to the sunrise as he caught his breath.

"What's the matter, John?A little out of shape?" Val teased.

That got her a a disappointed look."Why did I agree to this again?"

She indicated the sunrise behind him."Because of this."

He turned, and she watched his eyes widen, the colors of the sky reflected in them.

The sunrise painted the sky in brilliant hues--the sun itself a vibrant orange, the sky various shades of red, purple, blue, and pink.The clouds were lavender and coral, a combination beautiful against the backdrop.

"Wow," John breathed.

Val's smile widened."That's what I thought," she mused aloud."Worth it?"

John took a sip of his coffee, giving her what seemed like a genuine smile." _Yes_."


	12. fettucine and fallout

After the sun had fully risen, the two of them ventured back inside to refill their coffees and prepare for the day ahead of them.They both headed upstairs after drinking their second cups of coffee.The deputy grabbed some clothes from her room and headed into the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind her.John took this opportunity to get dressed.

He opened the wardrobe to pull out one of his signature blue shirts and a pair of dark jeans, threading his belt through the loops after pulling the pants on and tucking in the shirt.His vest from the day before was lying over a chair nearby, so he moved to it and pulled it over his shirt. He had sat down in the chair to put on his socks and boots when the door to the bathroom opened, and the deputy stepped into the room, her sleep clothes in hand.

She'd worn the same jeans as the day before, and she'd pushed the sleeves of her baseball tee up over her elbows.The toes of her boots were visible despite the flare leg jeans, and her hair had been combed so it fell in gentle waves past her shoulders.John could see the skin below her collarbone--where he'd marked her--was flushed, so John asked, "How are your wounds?"

The deputy bent her leg in demonstration, balancing on the other foot."Leg still hurts so I'm gonna move fairly slowly, but my back feels okay.The bandages you put on yesterday are still in place so I think they'll be fine for today."

John noticed she didn't mention the tattoo, but he decided against asking about it directly.He nodded at her response."If you don't mind waiting a second, I'll be ready to go in just a moment."

The deputy looked at him, puzzled."Where are we going?"

"We are going to visit a few of our outposts today, and I will be speaking to the members for a short time at each stop.I think it will do you some good," he said as he stood up, "to hear how I speak to them and how they respond."He took a second to consider that she might be recognized, and he would rather not have to deal with an overly energetic crowd simply because the deputy was present and in his custody.

John turned, pulled open a drawer, and retrieved a simple black hoodie from it.He tossed it towards the deputy."Here, put this on and put the hood up."

She frowned."Why..?"

"I figured you would probably want to avoid being jeered at by Project members if you were to be recognized."

"It's not my fault you guys plastered wanted posters with my picture all over the county," she replied as she pulled the hoodie on.

John conceded that point with a shrug.  "Nothing we can do about that now."

"Thank you," she said after a moment of silence, "this was considerate of you."

"I hope you would do the same if our roles were reversed."

They ventured downstairs, the deputy dropping her sleep clothes in her room on the way.  John pulled his sunglasses from his pocket and cleared his throat before they stepped out the door.  The deputy stopped and looked back to him.

"I'm not going to cuff you," he started slowly."However, you know I will be swift to respond if you decide to do something out of line.There will be a guard or myself with you at all times today."

She nodded solemnly."I understand."

With that, he held his sunglasses out to her.  "And if you manage to damage these, we will have an entirely different problem on our hands."

Her lips turned up in a wry smile."I'll be very careful with them, I promise."She accepted the sunglasses and slid them onto her face, also pulling the hood of the jacket up over her head."How do I look?"

"Like someone avoiding recognition," he said."Let's go."He led her outside, a black truck waiting for them with a guard standing next to the driver's seat.As they approached, the driver climbed in and started the vehicle.

John pulled open the driver side back door for the deputy, allowing her to enter first and following behind her."U.S. Auto," he told the driver after he closed the door.

"Of course," the driver responded.

The deputy slid as far from John as her seatbelt would allow, resting an elbow on the handle of the passenger side door and looking out the window.

John ignored her, choosing instead to speak to the driver."Make sure we stay clear of Fall's End," he said, leaning forward and speaking quietly."The rebels have retaken it and we don't need any unnecessary violence today."

"Yes, John."

John leaned back in his seat, the radio quietly filling the silence of the cabin.He closed his eyes, but the images of the nuclear wasteland from the Bliss seemed to be seared into his eyelids.They were the reason he reluctantly got up so _damned_ early, too.He was worried he would have to resort to his stash of alcohol again to get back to sleep.

He glanced over to the deputy, still looking out the window.Her smile from the Bliss vision crossed his mind, not for the first time, and he tried to push her from his mind.What would Joseph say of his vision?He would be disappointed that the drink was what helped John sleep afterwards, but otherwise…he could say that the Voice was speaking to him, too.John wasn’t sure that was a conversation he was currently willing to have with his older brother.

The truck slowed to a stop outside U.S. Auto, and John murmured thanks to the driver before opening the door and stepping out of the vehicle.Another glance at the deputy showed him she was getting out on the other side, so he circled the vehicle to meet her.She winced as her right leg hit the ground, a grimace on her face.

John offered his arm to her for support, but her responding look through his sunglasses deterred him.“I’ll get some pain medicine for you before we leave,” he said quietly.

“Thanks.”

A guard approached them, wary at first but then becoming excited when he recognized John.He approached, and John took a step to place himself between the man and the deputy.

“Praise to the Father,” the guard said as he approached.“You bless us with your presence today, John.How can we be of service?”

John plastered a smile on his face as easily as breathing.“I’ve come to speak some words of inspiration today.”

The man lit up more somehow.“I’ll make an announcement to the followers here, then.Let’s go into the shade of the main building for your words.”

John nodded, following as the man led him away from the car.The deputy followed at John’s nod, respectfully silent.

When they entered the building, the guard immediately angled for the intercom to bring in the rest of the followers.John led the deputy farther in, finding a chair for her to sit in while he spoke.She winced again as she sat down, and John made a mental note to ask the doctor who tended to her in his Gate when her stitches needed to be removed.

The intercom system, which had been playing a recording of John’s, crackled before the voice of the man from earlier emanated forth.“Come, brothers and sisters! John has come to bless us with words of inspiration and hope! Gather to hear his word!”

John watched the deputy as the announcement was made.She shifted slightly under his gaze before reaching for the sunglasses on her nose and pulling them off.“How long will this be?” she asked.

John stroked his chin thoughtfully for a moment.“Shouldn’t be longer than fifteen or twenty minutes.”

She fixed him with a stare that cried _please don’t do this to me_.He chuckled as the followers filtered into the building, turning to speak his word.

* * *

It was after lunch when they returned to the ranch.  They had stopped by three outposts after U.S. Auto, forming a circle with a wide berth around Fall’s End over the course of the morning.  To John’s surprise, the deputy seemed to pay attention to his speeches, pointing out things in the truck between stops.  He learned that she would argue the smallest details of something, as demonstrated through his questionable use of the word _awoken_ which resulted in a conversation that eventually reached the topic of old English.

The deputy hadn't been recognized by any of the followers at their stops, to John's relief (and he presumed hers as well).He didn't know if Joseph had informed anyone outside the brothers that she was in his care, and the few who knew of her presence at the bunker had been sworn to silence.It would be a complicated situation if she was recognized and John had to talk down followers who had been affected by her actions against them.

The two of them entered the ranch in silence, the deputy moving to the couch in front of the fireplace and relaxing into it.

John moved to the kitchen, pulling open the door to the fridge.He was disappointed, as he was yesterday, when he was reminded that most of the contents of the fridge were flavored coffee creamers and bottles of water.His stomach grumbled on cue, and he shut the door harder than was necessary before moving to the dining room table and sitting down.He could feel her eyes on him, choosing not to say anything or meet her gaze.

He heard the deputy stand up from the couch, move into the kitchen, and rifle through a couple cabinets. She made a small sound of triumph, and it was followed by the sound of a box being placed on the counter.He glanced over at her, watching as she filled a saucepan with water and set it on the stove, then pulled a medium-sized frying pan from the cabinet.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"Making lunch.I'm hungry."She didn't turn to look at him, instead searching the cabinets above the stove.

John stood up from the table, shedding his jacket and leaving it on the chair.As he walked into the kitchen, he asked, "What are you looking for?"

"Olive oil and garlic."

He reached for the cabinet on her left, pulling the bottle of olive oil out and handing it to her."I have minced garlic, not fresh," he said as he examined the jar he picked up next.

"That will do.Measuring spoons or cups?"

John moved to the other side of the stove as she filled the saucepan with water before setting it on a burner and turning it on high.He found a liquid measuring cup and the set of spoons, setting them both on the counter.He then backed out of her space, leaning against the opposite counter.

The deputy handled herself well with multiple cooking spaces.As soon as the water in the saucepan was boiling, she dumped a bunch of pasta into it, turning the heat on the burner down as she also poured some olive oil in the fry pan.The heat for that burner was turned up, and she measured a small amount of the garlic to add to the oil.A timer was started on the microwave above the stove, and she turned after a moment.“I’m going to need a strainer for the pasta,” she told him.

John mutely reached into one of the cabinets behind his legs to hand it to her.She frowned in response.“That needs to go in the sink, John.”

He shrugged.“I don’t really cook.”

She scoffed as she turned back to the stove, swirling the garlic in the oil.A delightful scent filled the air.“You can’t even make pasta?”

“I can barely make a sandwich, Deputy, much less anything involving heat.”

The deputy chuckled, her shoulders shaking.“Hey, the one you made me wasn’t half bad.”

John opted not to respond, instead watching as she swiftly turned off the timer, turned to the sink with the pasta in hand, and unceremoniously dumped it into the strainer.She then shook the strainer briefly to remove excess water, then stepped back to the stove, pouring the pasta into the frying pan.The resulting sizzle made John’s mouth water.She tossed the pan to coat the pasta in the oil and garlic mixture.“Bowls?”

John snapped himself back into focus, mesmerized by her smooth actions in the kitchen.“Yeah.”He moved around her to the far side of the stove, pulling two bowls off the shelf and passing them to her.

She spooned generous portions into each bowl, handing one back to him and setting the pan off the hot burner, making sure everything was off before heading to the dining table.John lingered a moment, grabbing two forks from a drawer before joining her.

He set the fork next to her wordlessly, his eyes closing as he breathed in the scent of actual cooking for the first time in what felt like a very long time.Maybe he needed to eat more…

"Hungry?" The deputy asked.

John's eyes opened to find her watching him, her fork hovering above her bowl.

"I...yes."He dropped his gaze to the bowl, embarrassed for an unknown reason.Should he tell her that he had been living off of coffee and snacks for who knows how long?If not, why did he have the urge to share?

He ignored the questions and the burning in his cheeks to take his first bite of food.Flavors blossomed over his tongue, and he hummed in satisfaction."This is really good, Deputy.I may ask you to cook for me again."

The deputy smiled."As long as you can help me reach things on the top shelf, it's a deal."

John couldn't help but smile back.

A sudden tremor rocked the entirety of the ranch, a flash engulfing the room and blinding them both temporarily.Both of them stood up, alarmed.The deputy looked to the window, and she froze in terror.John followed her gaze, mouth agape as he saw what she did.

Across the horizon, a mushroom cloud blossomed, fiery orange and red.The sky began to darken, and another flash filled the room.They heard the sound of the explosion this time.

John immediately pulled his radio off his hip and switched the frequency to the Seed's personal line.As he expected, Joseph was speaking calmly over the line.

_"Fear not, my brothers. This is what we have been preparing for.Gather your followers and enter your Gates. John, ensure the Deputy is with you in your gate. Be not afraid, for the next time we meet, it will be in Eden."_

John responded quietly, "Praise be," then switched the radio back to the main frequency. He turned to the deputy."We need to go, now."

She moved close to him."Can I use your radio? Please? I need to warn them, I can't-"

John held the radio to her wordlessly. He knew that by the Collapse ocurring, the Resistance must have realized Joseph had been right.

"Whitehorse?" he heard her say.

_"Rook, holy shit, we haven't heard from you in several days-"_

"I'm fine, I'm fine, you need to get everyone to Faith's bunker immediately, this is what he predicted- "

_"You mean to tell me Joseph was right?!"_

"That doesn't matter, Earl, you need to go, now! Don't worry about me, I'm safe." John noticed that her eyes flitted towards him as she said _safe_."Get underground as soon as you can.Take anti-radiation measures once you're inside."

_"Alright, alright, I'll round everyone up. Stay safe, Rook, we'll try to get in touch later."_

John cleared his throat. She turned back to him, holding the radio out, already back on the main frequency. The chatter was all about what was happening, panic from every source.

John turned the radio off."let's go. "He turned, waiting for her.

The deputy followed. "Thank you for letting me use it."

"I told you before, Deputy--we're trying to save people." He didn't look back when she didn't respond.

They walked out of the ranch, the sky burning an ominous color, light from the explosion swallowing that from the sun. Heat prickled their skin, unnatural and dangerous. John saw a truck idling near the building, ushering the deputy toward it. She clambered into the backseat, leaving the door open for him, and he climbed in after.

"Drive," John barked, and the truck quickly pulled out onto the road.

The landscape was beginning to burn, trees. blackening from the teat. The car swerved as another blast shook the earth, a tree falling in front of the vehicle.The deputy slid across the bench seat into him as the truck turned, and his attention was drawn to her hands, scratching at her arms again. John gently grabbed her hands.

"We're going to be fine," he told her.

Her faraway look disappeared, and to his surprise she didn't pull her hands away. "I hope so," she said quietly.

The truck screeched to a stop, the driver yelling, "Everyone inside, now!"

John and the deputy wasted no time, getting out of the vehicle and running for the still- open door. The driver followed closely behind, and all three made it through the heavy safety door.

John turned around after they made it in, pushing the door shut. He cranked the wheel to seal the door, realizing that this was it, the Collapse was on them.His hands dropped from the crank, facing the deputy slowly.

Her face was painted in the terror of realization, that Joseph was right, that this was the Collapse.

Wordlessly, John held his hand out to her towards the stairs.She turned to start down them, and he followed as they walked into an uncertain future in the depths of the earth.

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading!
> 
> Chat with me on Tumblr: jackalopestride


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